Queen Bee Confessions

We've moved!!

2007-10-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

You can visit me here: www.queenbeeconfessions.wordpress.com

Now, really, I mean it, come on over!!

Meet our new family members...

2007-10-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

No, not the cute boy and girl, we have had those for years! Meet Bridget. Kaleb is holding her. And meet her sister Brittney, Becca is holding her. They have just recently came into our family.
The kids adore them. They are a collie/shephard mix. Now, if you are keeping track, that means we have 5 kids, 4 dogs and 1 hamster.

Why the names Bridget and Brittney you ask? Good question. My oldest, Logan is in love with a girl at school named Bryttnie. Tyler, my second oldest, is in love with a Bridgett. I tried to tell them that naming a dog after their beloved is not really enduring, but they couldn't be swayed.
So the names stuck. To protect the girls names, I at least made the spelling of the puppies different from theirs.

Happy Birthday Princess!

2007-09-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

*Well, stupid blogger won't let me post a picture!*

Today is a bitter sweet day. My oldest princess has turned 9!
Oh, it seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home
from the hospital. How has 9 years passed? I love that she
is growing into a pretty, sweet girl, but I miss the baby
I use to hold in my arms and rock to sleep. She loved to cuddle
next to me at night and just sleep the night away. But now,
she comes home talking about boys and clothes and music. I adore
the young woman she is becoming. Princess, Happy Birthday. I love
you!

IEP hell

2007-09-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

So, my youngest son is in IEP. A special program that is suppose
to help him thru school. He has issues understanding abstract
concepts and he has issues with his speech. He doesn't know
how to articulate very well.

He went thru preschool last year with flying colors! The special
ed teacher said he was ready for mainstream with a slight difference.
He would attend speech 2 times a week and have a counselor observe
him 2 times a month.

Well, he is having issues adjusting to Kindergarten. He has behavioral
issues. I have tried calling an IEP meeting and it was canceled today. I
talked with the counselor (who btw, it took the school 3 days of phone calls
to figure out WHO was in charge of his counseling) who said she has not
even observed him this year. WHAT?? Why not? If he is suppose to be
receiving extra help, why is he not? He is attending the speech class,
which btw, the counselor didn't even know if he was. It seems to me
that the school is letting him slip thru the cracks. I can't have that.

So, what do I do? The counselor said that the "county" has restricted them
from pulling kids out of mainstream class to help them with individual issues.
EVEN if it is deemed that they need it. How much do I push? I know his
Kindergarten teacher has too many kids to deal with to give Kaleb the
individual care he needs. I understand that. However, I do not understand
the school's stance on not offering the special classes (other than speech) to
help him adjust to the school setting. What is going to happen by the
end of the year when he will NOT be ready for 1st grade. Is he doomed
to repeat Kindergarten again. He is not slow enough to have to be taken
out of mainstream, but he isn't quick enough with learning to advance
as quickly as his peers. He is stuck in the middle and I am afraid he
will get missed.

Hot topic

2007-09-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

Oprah had guests who suffer from Bipolar Disorder. I was very excited to see that she was doing a show on this seriously misunderstood topic. Then I watched the show.
I wasn't completely disappointed, but I wish she had brought more "real" people to the show to share their stories. Movie/Tv stars are great for getting the word out that even the "famous" ones can suffer, but she also had a mother who killed her child. What does that say now about us? She used the word "crazy" to describe actions made by people with bipolar. I do take some offense to that. If I could choose to not have this illness, I would. I don't want to be seen as crazy. I have a hard enough time convincing myself that I am not crazy. I concede that all my thoughts and actions are not rational, but does that make me "crazy"? I am glad she is trying to bring some light to this subject, but in future shows (she is having Sinead O'Connor talk about bipolar in an upcoming episode) she can give more information and more hope.

Now, unlike the mother who killed her child, I have never thought of
physically injuring someone. However, I have tried to harm myself many
times. Even with that, it leaves a lasting effect on those around you.
This disorder is so hard to fight because it resides in your brain. Your
brain that is suppose to be what tells you right from wrong and what guides
you safely thru life. Having Bipolar distorts those thoughts. What the "normal"
people may think are irrational thoughts can be perceived as very rational
thoughts in our minds. This is what makes it so hard to fight. Your brain is
lying to you. How can you make other's possibly see that? You can't. This is
also what makes fighting this illness so hard. They just feel you are being
out of control and irrational, and they are most likely right, but in our
heads, it is completely justified and rational. It is like having tunnel vision
that only you can see. I just wish one day that the stigma of a "mental illness"
will be lifted so that we can seek the correct help without judgment. So that
we can live amongst society that understands that it isn't our fault, it is just
something we struggle to survive. We should not be made to feel ashamed that
we have this illness. If I were to have diabetes, I wouldn't feel ashamed and I would
have a society ready to help me in the fight. Why can't Bipolar be the same???

Here is the link to her website showing today's show:

http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200709/tows_past_20070924.jhtml

**edited- Hi Natalie, thank you so much for posting. I completely agree
with you. I actually did post on the message board about it. I couldn't
help myself. Your comment didn't leave a link to your blog, please email
me so that I can view what you wrote too. I would love to see your
input. Thanks! Missi **

Sunday Driving Sing Along

2007-09-16T18:19:00.001-07:00

I have found the best stress reliever is singing. I do not, however, sing in the shower. Ever. I sing in the van. Loud music, top of my lungs sing. Not only do I sing, I dance. The whole top half of my body is grooving to the beat. Makes me wonder what the other people on the road must be thinking when they see me moving and grooving and singing in my car. Am I the next American Idol or am I a looney.....

This is what my dear driver by audience had a listen to today... ENJOY!

Shoulda stayed in bed...

2007-08-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

You know when you wake up with that feeling. The feeling that you should really just
stay in bed. Today was that day.

I had a follow up dr appt with my GI doctor. Basically was just for me to tell him, that yes,
all is ok, my acid reflux is better and for me to find out when I needed to have my colon
rechecked since I had polyps. The good news was that they were all benign and I won't
have to go thru that test again for 5 years. Bad news, I will have to continue to have that
test every few years or so because they found the polyps in the first place.

So, I go to leave. I have pulled out of my parking spot and went to the end of my isle. I turn
left to go down the back isle. A woman, talking on the phone, in her van pulls out of the isle
next to my isle and cuts in front of me down the back isle. Ok, I decide, I will be nice, I will
not honk, she was distracted and I will give her the benefit of the doubt. So, I follow her up
to the last side isle (you have to to get out of there) and all of a sudden she throws her van
in REVERSE. She wants to pull into a parking spot, UM WHERE I AM BLOCKING BECAUSE I WAS BEHIND HER, in reverse. So, I have to haul off and get into reverse quickly because
she was inches away from smacking into the front of my van. Ok, I am aggravated now. But,
again, I let it go.

So, I am on the main road (mind you, less than 10 minutes have passed since that close
encounter) and I am in the lane to turn right. It is a yield lane so I have to wait for on coming
traffic to slow or be done before I can go. Well, I thought I might be able to get on the road, so
I creeped up a bit but there was a white truck hauling ass so I had to stop. Apparently the man behind me didn't pay attention to the fact that I was STILL SITTING THERE. BAM. He plowed right into me. I was leaning forward looking to the left when my van jumps forward. Thankfully I
still had my foot on the break because if I hadn't he would have pushed me into that oncoming truck. Becca is in the back crying, she was scared by the loud noise and jump. I pull over to the side, my whole body shaking and trying to calm Becca down. The man came to my van VERY apologetic. I got out and we inspected the damages. Really, not much at all. This GREAT van of mine really can take an impact. I just have 2 small cuts in my bumper. The man was beside himself with apologies. It turns out they had just admitted his wife into the hospital to give birth to their baby and he was running home real quick to get some clothes. Yeah, I felt bad for him. Since there was minimal damage, we just exchanged information and went about our way. I didn't see the need to hold him up when his baby was going to be born at any time and he was sincerely sorry and took all the blame. So, my van has a few blemishes on it now, but really, it
could have been worse. If I hadn't had my foot plowed on my brake, we could have hit other people, maybe my air bags could have deployed.. anything. So, I figured it was best to count
our blessings and move on. I am having some back and neck pain, but I have problems with them anyway, so even the tiniest thing could set the pain off. No need to make his life miserable because of it. I figure I will take some med's for a few days and be right as rain in no time.

What I am concerned about is that my van has been in MANY near misses and now 2 bumps in one month (remember the Kroger story and the old man??) Does my van need to become a different color to avoid this attention? Do I need to make it banana yellow so people can see me?
OR do I have a secret magnet in it that is drawing all these people to me????

I don't know, but I hope this last fender bender is the last for awhile. I can't handle that kind
of stress.....

ON a HAPPIER note: I am addicted to Ebay. Yes, I said it. I love the bidding. Can't help it.
I decided to cheer myself up for my bday and I started bidding on a few purses. Well, I won them BOTH!! One came in the mail today and I LOVE it.

Now I am just waiting for the next one to arrive:

Can you see a theme here? I am in LOVE with purple. One is Lilac (the top one and it matches a fingernail polish I have PERFECTLY *thanks Heather!* And the second one is Lavender.
Why do I need 2? Why not?? One is a larger purse and one is smaller. Perfect for giving me choices!! YAY EBAY!!! Somebody better keep me away for awhile though, you never know what I might buy next......

Birthday wishes

2007-08-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is my birthday. I really wish the day would just come and go without notice.
It has nothing to do with getting older. I will be 34. I am fine with that. Age doesn't scare me, it just means I have survived that much more.

What saddens me is that I was a birthday present. Yup, my mom presented me to my Aunt Peg for her birthday, her birthday is 4 days after mine, with a guitar. Me and a guitar, what a combo.
Every year Peg would call and remind me " You know you are my birthday present, right?". I would usually roll my eyes and then reply "Yup, and aren't you lucky that I am the gift that keeps on giving".

I can't do that this year or ever again. There will be no phone call. I won't be able to roll my eyes at her outlandish singing version of "Happy Birthday" and we won't have our witty birthday banter.

I already miss it. Since she has passed in May I am constantly reminded of these little things that will be no more. It hurts.

I really don't know if I will ever be able to view my birthday the same way again. My birthday has always been linked with hers and now I am alone. I miss you Peg, Happy Birthday. How I wish you were here.

Shopping at your own risk

2007-08-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me that in such a small town, with such a small super market, that shopping has become a hazard. Besides the fact of rising prices that want to break my checkbook, I now have the added bonus of playing bumper cars and musical parking spaces.

More and more frequently, as I am in the parking lot, I have to fight to get a parking space. Not because there aren't many around, but because jerks feel they have the right to cut in front of me. For instance, this past Saturday, I am patiently waiting my turn to take a parking space from someone who was leaving. I had my blinker on, I was in the pathway, I was next. Then a "person" decides that my car parking manner's is not needed and proceeds to pull up thru a HANDICAP parking space on the other side of the parking spot I am waiting on to preempt my pulling into the said spot. Now, was this spot so important that they had to come in thru a handicap spot just to steal it from me? I don't think so. But, what I am most mad about, is the rudeness of this "person". They clearly saw me, I was there before they even got to the handicap spot, and yet I lost the spot because of their rudeness. Hmmm, nice.

Then the Saturday before I had a fender bender. I was done shopping, I had pulled out of my spot and was starting forward when this "older driver" decides looking back takes too much effort. I saw him backing out and I stopped, figuring I would avoid an accident. Um, yeah, that was too much to ask. He creeps out of this spot, backing up... more, more,more until "BAM" he bumps into my van because instead of, again looking back, he decided it was way more worth his while to chat to an older lady standing in the parking lot. Now, you would think this hitting of my van would at least get some attention from him???? YEAH, NO. He never even acknowledged that he bumped into me. He just proceeded to pull forward at his snail pace and go about his way.

Now, there have been other instances of near hit's by vehicles to my body walking from the store to my vehicle, but really, you get the point of my little tirade.

Now, what is my option? Learn to get better at bumper cars and start stealing spaces on my own, or stop shopping all together??? Hmmm, well, the latter does sound rather good, but I have a feeling that the natives would get restless without any food in the house. So, I guess shopping at my own risk the risk I will have to take from now on. They might be surprised when one day I go Nascar on their butts and beat them at their own games......

Heat wave

2007-08-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, ok, so here I live in central us and we have had a heat wave to beat all heat waves! We have
had over 100 degree weather now for 2 weeks and over 90 for like a month and a half. We are setting records here people. Not only are we having record heat, we are having record NO rain. None, nada, zilch. People, do a rain dance for me PLEASE. My well will dry up!! Remember me?
Middle of nowhere country, I have no city water here!! RAIN DANCES EVERYNIGHT 11PM!!

On a funner note, my kids are actively involved in football/cheerleading/dance class. Yes, my nights are fun. Thursday's especially. I pick them up from school at 3:00 (because they wouldn't get home from the bus until 3:45 and that is too late) to take Kaity to dance class which starts at
3:45. Now, the school is like 10 minutes away from dance class, so we sit in the car for about 30-40 minutes until her class starts. Then I need to find me and the 4 other kiddo's something to do until 5:30 when her classes end. HMMMMM Well, today, I thought I would take them to McDonald's and let them play at the play land. UM YEAH, anybody here hearing bells and whistles go off?? How long can you really stay at Md's before going insane? 5-10 minutes?? Well, we didn't last until after 5 like I wanted, but after my many trials of yelling at my kids, we did leave at 4:30 and we proceeded to go back to the dance class to wait. We waited, in my van, with the air running. Now, this may seem like a hardship, but people, we have DVD players in my van. Not 1 or 2..... TRY 4. Come on, surely they can be entertained for 45 minutes??? HA

Well, finally the torture of waiting for dance class is over. NOW it is time to go to football/cheerleading practice. We get to sit in the heat until 8:30. The ants attack you no matter where you sit. Becca and I have bites clear up to our scalps. No kidding. We are hot, wet and tired!! I am Becca's jungle gym. My poor boys are layered with pads, shirts and helmets. They are RANK when practice is over. WHEW and I have to sit in the van for 45 minutes on the way home with them.

Now, it is home and it is after 9:30. It is now time to try and get everyone showered and ready for bed because, yes, school is in the morning.

Why do I do this? Insanity? Yes, I think so. The kids begged to do this and now who is paying the price????

Well, again, to show our "fun" here are some pictures:
(ok, one person missing from these is Kaity the cheerleader- why? Because all this week she has been able to cheer in an AIR CONDITIONED building. I couldn't be there to take pictures because I had to stay and sweat watching my youngest on the field to make sure he didn't injure someone)

Enjoy!!
(Logan is in the white jersey, Tyler is in yellow #11, Kaleb is in yellow #22, and baby Becca is the one looking so cute!)

Screaming in silence

2007-08-12T20:13:00.001-07:00

Screaming in silence
And losing the fight
I give you my all
But my all isn't right

Drowning inside
Filled with tears
Nobody to listen
To any of my fears

Feeling all alone
Standing in a crowd
Invisible to all
And making no sound

I stand, I fight
I scream, I cry
No one hears
No one asks why

Someday I think
Maybe I will be heard
Someday goes by
It leaves without a word

But I'm not giving up
And I am not giving in
I will just fight harder
Because I know I will win

Screaming in silence
But continuing the war
My voice will be heard
And then I will soar.

On the mend

2007-08-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

I did have surgery. I had my gallbladder removed. The incisions are still a bit sore, but I feel so much better. I am not vomiting anymore . That is a major plus! The only hang up is that I have been running a low grade fever now for awhile. I am not sure if it means I have an infection or not. I don't feel terrible. My cuts are not all that red, not anymore than I would think they would be. But I do feel run down and extremely tired. So maybe I am just unlucky and am coming down with a bug or something.

Kids have started school, YAY! I will post pictures shortly.

I am just so happy they found out what was wrong. I saw the surgeon yesterday and he told me they found stones, sludge and a chronic infection in my gallbladder. So, I guess this was bound to happen. It looks as though my many years of crash dieting could have contributed to this. He said that losing weight too fast (which I did many times in my life) causes gallstones. Coincidently enough, I was dieting at the time of this attack. So, I guess this is my bodies way of telling me I am not doing it the right way. Maybe now I will listen.

An ulcer is not always an ulcer

2007-07-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

No, not in this case. I was not getting better. In fact, I got progressively worse. I have not kept any food down in almost 2 weeks now. I have lost 12 lbs now since the 9th. Yup, 1lb each day.
So, my dr referred me out to a GI dr and they decided to preform a EGD, colonoscopy and ultrasound. I have been poked and prodded and after many invasive tests it has been concluded that I have gallstones. I see the surgeon on Monday. I am just thankful they found what is wrong and I am getting it fixed. I want to feel better. This vomiting thing is getting very old. So, sometime next week I should be one body part less. Hopefully this means I will start keeping a meal down.

Belly woes

2007-07-09T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have been down for over a week now with an upset stomach. Ok, upset, is so NOT the word. If I don't eat, I feel terrible. If I eat, I feel HORRIBLE. I feel as if I ate nothing but glass. It has steadily been getting worse. I have tried talking myself into that it is just a virus and that it will go away. Some nights thru the week I even wake up choking on acid. Not fun. That has been going on for months now but I just chalked it up to a random upset stomach.

I finally break down and go to the dr. Yes, not shocking, she believes it to be an ulcer. Wow, why am I not shocked? Hmmmm, let's look at my life. I have 5 kids I take care of most of the time on my own, a mil that can't stand me and that does anything and everything possible to make my life miserable... what else? What else is needed, isn't that enough? I take many medicines on a daily basis to survive that is probably taking a great toll on my body. So, I'd say, yeah, not a shock. What is a shock is that it hasn't happened sooner. I guess there have been many warning signs I have been missing that could have prevented this pain today, but I ignored them. How typical of the "mom syndrome" huh?

So, she hands me my rx's and tells me to take it easy and "one final thing" she says "Are you under any extra stress?" . I just laugh. "What defines extra?" I say......

Lying no more, taking it no more

2007-07-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

I have no tolerance for liars. They have no place in my life.

I have put up with one liar for too long and I am done. I have put up with it because I felt I had to. Well, no more. I am sick of what it has done to me, my kids and my marriage.

Mother in law, you will not see me at your house again. You will not be invited to mine. I will not talk to you voluntarily and I will not put myself in a position to listen to your lies ever again.

2 of my kids are with their father this week. That is hard enough. MIL decided she wanted to take a trip to a CRAFT MALL in ATLANTA. She wanted to take Tyler. She claims she really would take Kaleb, but he is too little and he wouldn't enjoy it. Fine, we accept and Tyler goes along his merry little way. ONLY, they didn't go to ATLANTA. They went to PIGEON FORGE,TN. When did TN enter into GA? They didn't go to a CRAFT MALL, they went on RIDES, SAW FIREWORKS, WENT SWIMMING. Please, tell me, how would Kaleb NOT have enjoyed that? She TOLD Tyler she didn't want him there. WE are the parents. WE should have made the decision on whether she could have played favorites with OUR children. She took that decision away from us the minute that LIE went thru her mouth. She took our child under false pretenses and alienated another. And, RAY, you wonder, why she called YOU instead of me? Because I can smell her BULLSHIT a mile away. Do I not find out her lies every single time she does them? And you, you make excuses for them every single time she does them. Her excuse, she will "make it up to Kaleb". Um yeah, like this weekend when she bailed on her "special" time with him? It will NEVER happen. You know why, because she only has room in her COLD ASS HEART for one child. Accept it. Problem is, our other children will
have to accept it too. It is one thing to have to tell my children, your step children, that they will
never receive love from her. But it is quite another to tell YOUR children that their OWN
grandmother can't find it in her heart to give them the same love they give Tyler. Why?
Why should they be punished? And what message does this send Tyler?

No more, I mean it. I am rid of her. I can tolerate her any more in my life. I am done with her crap. This may cause a huge rift in my family, but what are her lies doing? What is her favoritism doing? Everybody turns a blind eye to her and says "oh she just can't be changed"
Well, you know what. Neither can I. I never put up with liars before, and I won't start now. Sorry, hon, but the train stops here. I am DONE.

Accident prone

2007-06-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

Seriously, how accident prone can one person be? Do you think someone is just naturally clumsy or is it fate that accidents happen?

Well, this weekend I managed:

**To fall getting out of my bathtub. Now this was no ordinary fall. I fell so well that my
leg landed on the tub. I now have a lovely black and blue and purple bruise from the middle
of my thigh to the middle of my calf on the back of my leg **

**I tripped walking past my elliptical machine. I was leaving the house and some how my leg
caught the edge of the machine scratching my leg and nearly banging my head into the door**

**Walking into my bathroom, which is carpeted, I slightly walk on a magazine and I start
sliding across the floor and land on my butt **

**Walking into my laundry area, I step on a curtain rod. You know the cheap ones that have
the curved ends. My middle toe on my left foot lands right in the curve and slices the toe from
top to bottom. I can barely walk now. **

So, am I accident prone or is fate trying to tell me something? What can it possibly be trying
to tell me? Tell me to get rid of everything in my house before it kills me??

Sadness in blogworld

2007-06-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

Tragically a fellow blogger has lost his son in a swimming accident. His beloved son was
only 5 years old. He was lovingly nicknamed the Puppy Monster.

Hopefully the blogworld can send love and prayers to Dawg and his family in this time
of need. If you click on the heart below, you will be taken to Dawg's blog where he has
some wonderful You Tube video's of his son and himself on "Cereal Wednesday's".

My thoughts and prayers are with Dawg and his family. Please keep them in yours.

If you would like to make a contribution to Dawg and his family, you can click
here to read what Avitable and Amy have set up.

Somebody's gettin old!!

2007-06-22T13:44:00.001-07:00

Nope, not me... atleast not yet. Hub, yes I know you are reading this. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Ok, you aren't old.... yet. You are in your prime. That isn't gray hair... it is shiny. I see no wrinkles..... only laugh lines! Just kidding! You are wonderful and you are loved. You are
young, vibrant and at the peak of your youth. I expect many more years from you.

I love you.

Summer Reading

2007-06-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I love books. I have been actively reading books since about 1st grade. I have not had much time over the last few years to read, but lately I have been taking more of an active role to pick this hobby back up. I have missed it.

Well, let me tell you, I have just read one of the BEST books ever!! Seriously, I read it in less than 2 days because I could not put the book down. It is called My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

Wow. I seriously was crying for an hour after finishing this book. It really tore at your heart strings. It is a book that pertains to a controversial topic. It goes way past stem cell research,
into what can you expect your other children to do to benefit one. This family had been dealt
with a hardship, their daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of lukemia. Their older son was not a match for bone marrow so they decided to have a baby. But this wasn't an ordinary baby. This baby was engineered in a genetic lab to be a perfect match for the daughter. Fast forward 13 years later and that daughter is suppose to be used to donate a kidney to her sister. Here is where it gets controversial. Who has the power to consent to this surgery? The parents or the child? What if the child doesn't want to do it? What if the parent can't possibly let the chance slip away to help the other child to live, even if it meant going against the child's wishes? The daughter decided to take her parents to court to get medical emancipation for this very reason.

This book was so eloquently written that it never lost my interest. It was a very easy read, very easy to get into. It had a great aspect by different chapters being by the different characters of the story. It was told from each of their point's of view.

I strongly urge you to pick up this book. It was truly a wonderful book.

Picture Day

2007-06-08T08:55:00.001-07:00

Well, since I apparently have nothing to say anymore, I will post some pictures from the
Chuck E Cheese party we had for Kaleb and Becca at the beginning of last month. :-)

Help wanted......

2007-05-31T11:16:00.003-07:00

Help wanted... to find my brain
Not sure where I lost it, but I am sure I have
It is not too small, not too big and it is probably white.
If found please rush back to me asap as I am in dire need of it!!

I have seriously lost my mind. In the last month I have:

**left my keys at Kroger and did not realize it until I was in another town
**locked my keys in my house and had to break in to get them (broke my thumb in the process)
**go to walmart for my 1 hour pictures I had sent there only to leave the store with $150 in
other items and no pictures
** make a list for what I need at the grocery store only to leave it on my desk at home
** forget which kids are at home that day and start giving orders to ones that aren't even there

And here is the best one!!!
**go to get my hair cut.... pay for it..... leave, go all the way home (30 min here people) and find out I had LEFT MY WALLET there - so I had to drive back into town to claim it.

LOL - so yeah, anyone out there come across my brain, please let me know..... I am afraid
of what I might leave or not do next.........

mind.... full??

2007-05-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so yeah, I have been absent for awhile. Quite awhile really. I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around anything and yet my mind always seems full.

I have so much running around up there that I have blinding headaches every single day.
I can't escape them. I am tired of them.

What is troubling me? You know, I wish I could pinpoint one thing. First, I just can't seem
to get past Peg dying. I am still devistated. I can't stop thinking of things I wished I had
done differently and I can't stop wishing that she is still really here. My mind just won't
wrap around this. Everyday I wake up and think "was it all just a bad dream?" I refused
to say goodbye to her at the funeral. I did not walk up to the coffin during the wake. I
couldn't. I sat in the very last seat of the very last row and just cried. I could not bring
myself to do it. At the grave site, I did walk past the coffin, while saying my condolences
to my cousins, and touched it slightly. But my hand only lasted there for a second, lifting
it like my hand was burned and I thought "I love you" and that was all. No goodbye, never
goodbye.

Logan is giving me difficulty. He is testing me on a regular basis. He is really wearing me out.
His birth father is also giving me the runaround and I am really tired of it. He is lying about
is child support (saying he sent it when he didn't) and I am about to be forced to go to
court over this. It is not something I want, but he is leaving me with no choice. ALL I asked
was that he be honost with me about it and he couldn't do that. Now, I am going to have to
start playing hardball and being the bad guy (guess I should be use to that though.)

Then my mil is in town again. Just when I think things have calmed down between us,
she exerts her passive agressive controlling behavior and I get pissed all over again. And it
does me NO good to complain, because nothing ever changes. I can fight and fight and fight
and in the end, I always lose. I should just come to terms with the fact that SHE is going to
by Tyler's mother and I have no say in it. She has spoiled and coddled the child so much that
we will never have him back. Her playing favorites has ruined any chance of her having
a good relationship with Logan. Kaity is only slightly fased right now, but she even has been
spending less and less time with my mil when she is here. And the younger 2, already Kaleb
can sense that he is not favored among them. Whenever it is just him and my mil, they are
fine, but add Tyler to the mix and he insists (or is talked into) coming home. And Becca,
forget about it, if she sees her any in a month she is here, it is amazing. Becca cares less
than any of the others. So, I have no idea where to even go from here. All that I can do
know is keep bottling it up because yelling, fighting and complaining has only gotten me
a strained marriage. I am losing my will to fight and even if I did, the process is so far
gone now that all I will get in the end is heartache.

I am still paranoid about the "other woman". I tried to talk about it but all I got was some
rolled eyes and it put me in a funk that whole next day. Again, I guess it is just something I
will have to deal with internally. Apparently we are all talked out and I guess the limitation has expired on how muchl longer I can feel ill at ease without some negative feedback. We did change our phone numbers, but she still has the email address and, you
know, really, will I ever feel comfortable again? Will I ever feel like things can be normal again?
I don't know. I really don't.

I guess I am just in a funk. A real deep funk. I really don't have much to say in the blogesphere
or in life. I just am for now in nothingness. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe someday I will get out of it. I am
trying, but I just can't seem to do it.

So, if I don't write again for awhile, you now know why.

"Stress has taken over..... Missi will return in awhile."

Thank you

2007-05-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your warm wishes.

I am finally back from hell week. We were up in Illinois most of last week for the funeral.
I am holding up. I still have crying fits and I was a blubbering idiot at the funeral, but
again, I am holding up.

It is hard to get back into the swing of things. My head doesn't want to seem to work
correctly right now. I am getting back to work and the boys have baseball. Maybe by
the end of the day I will have my head screwed on straight.

We did have a nice day on Saturday. We went to the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago. I have second degree burns on my forehead (thanks 2 coats of sunscreen, you did well!! NOT) and am a bit
tired. We meant to be there only 3-4 hours, but you can't be at that zoo for only 3-4 hours,
we stayed a whole 8! THEN we drove the 6 hours down south to my grandma's house to spend the night before the second stretch of the trip home (another 6 hours) But the kids had fun and that is all that matters. I should have pictures soon ( I had forgotten my digital camera and had to pick up a disposable)

The Saturday before Peg died, I had the kids (Becca and Kaleb's) bday party at Chuck E Cheeses. It was fun and a nice day. I will post pictures of them soon too.

Saturday had also been a day of purchasing. Ray's van had broken down on Friday and it is so old and has so many miles that we had decided to buy a new(er) van. I am now the proud owner of a 2004 Mercury Monterey. It is sweet! Automatic opening doors, leather seats, many bells and whistles. I will be in debt now for another 4-5 years, but you know, can't beat the luxery of a new(er) van. It did really well on the long trip up and back to Illinios.

Well, I hope everyone else out there had a good Mother's day. The kids and Ray had given me a nice gold bracelet with all the kids birthstones charms on it. It is really nice.

In Mourning

2007-05-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

This beautiful, young, vibrant woman has left our earth. Sunday morning she closed her
eyes and her spirit went with the Angels. She lost her fight with Cancer. I know we
have been preparing for weeks for this day, but it does not make it any easier. I take
solice that she is no longer in pain and she is with my mother, uncle and grandfather. But,
selfishly, I am so upset she is gone. She was more than my aunt. She was my sister, my
confidant and one of my best friends. She was always there when you needed an ear. She
was happy and vibrant and always the life of the party. She has 3 beautiful children she
leaves behind. 2 are grown and they were raised so well that they have turned
into wonderful adults. They inherited her kindness and compassion, 1 is still growing but he is
turning out wonderfully and I know he will endure knowing how much his mother loved
him. She also has a young grandson (pictured above) to whom I know we will all be
sure to let him know how much his grandma loved and cherished him.

It was a running joke in our family that I was Peg's birthday present (I was born 4 days
before her birthday). We have similar features and have been mistaken for sisters instead
of aunt/neice. After my mom died, I lived in my grandma's house with my aunt for awhile
and when we moved back to Texas, I we came back to stay every summer. We were only
11 years apart in age. When she married and had kids and I was going thru my "fun"
teenage years, she took me in each summer. I stayed with her and babysat the kids
and had a blast during those 3 months.

When my marriages failed, it was she who took me in. Especially when my last marriage
failed and I had 2 kids to take care of, she offered me her house, helped me get a job
and really helped me thru one of the worst times in my life. I can only hope I had shown
her my love and appreciation in a way she deserved. I loved her deeply and I will
miss her forever. There really are no words to express how much I love her and
there is no depth to how much I will miss her.

Happy Birthday Prince Boy!!!

2007-05-03T18:00:00.000-07:00

Look at this boy, isn't he angelic?? Although you may cause me to raise my voice and repeat things many times, I am so proud of how you are growing up! You were a big surprise in my life and one that was needed. I have held you, rocked you, kissed you and worried over you for 5 years now. You are headstrong and confident. You are fearless and shy at the same time. You are a joy and I am so happy you are my son! I love you baby!!

Helluva week

2007-04-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you, it is ONLY Monday and it has been a heck of a week.

First, the WOMAN called hub again. Seriously, she doesn't take a hint. (If you don't
know what I am talking about, look at THIS post. ) She actually called him while
I was on the phone with him. The number came up as unavailable (so she had to
have blocked her number) and when he answered, he was shocked and told her he
wasn't talking to her (yay hub!). I still have to admit, my stomache turned and all
my bad feelings and fears came back. But, hub did the nicest thing and offered for
us to change our cell numbers. And we did. I do feel a little more comforted by that
and also for the fact that he told me she called and shot her down. Maybe one day
I will be able to come to terms with it all and feel like it is actually in the past. I
would like to go one day without remembering what was written and just one hour
without having a panic that she is contacting him again and that he has decided
she is worth more than me. I don't let this on, but it is there all the time. Maybe
these small changes will help, I am fond of the new cell phone number change.
I just wish I could erase all of this from my mind as easily as it was to change
our cell numbers.

Then MY EX calls. Seriously, he has been an MIA dad for months. He hasn't paid child
support, nor called the kids. Remember, I had to put Logan in therapy because of it.
Yeah, now dad of the year is coming HERE for a visit this week. He says "he feels bad"
for what he did. Yeah, who the F** cares. He was wrong to avoid his children (the 2
Logan and Kaity) for that long. But, I have joint custody (and in the state of Tn, that
is what rules us) and I have to allow the visit. So, this week ought to be FUN (NOT).

Now today, my doctors office called. Princess Becca had her 2 yr appt on her bday last
week. He was a little concerned because instead of staying level or increasing in the
height percentile, she went down. So, he drew blood work, just in case, and said we would
monitor her height and he would see her again in 3 months. The thing he was most concerned
about at that visit was her speech. He recomended putting her in speech therapy. Well,
when they called today it was not because of her speech it was because of her blood work.
She was low in the growth insulin. So, he has referred her to a Pediatric Endocrenologist.
I have no idea what I am heading into here. I feel so bad. With my last 2 kids health
issues, I would think God is punishing us for having this many kids. Is he trying to tell
me I should have stopped in my early 20's when they came out healthy. Seriously, I was
only 28 and 31 when the last 2 were born. I didn't forsee that I could have caused
them health and development problems. I am just so sad about this.

I also saw my aunt on Sunday. She is hanging in, but she is not getting any better. It hurts
so much to see her in so much pain and agony because she knows she is declining.

So, that is the week so far. Really, I think I have had enough now to last me a long time.

Happy Birthday Baby Princess!!

2007-04-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

My precious little one has turned 2!!! (This is her with her new Rocking UNICORN)

It seems just like just yesterday I was desperately trying to conceive you. It seems like only
hours ago that I first held you in my arms. It seems like only minutes since you turned
1. Now you are 2, where did the time go?

You are so independant and headstrong. You are a woman that knows what she wants
and will do anything to get it. Your brothers and sister don't stand a chance against you
when you get an idea in your pretty little head. You are adored and loved and I can't
believe how big you are getting!

I love it when you cuddle up to me and we watch sponge bob together. I love it when,
while I am cooking, you feel the need to grab ahold of my leg and start smothering it
with kisses. I love that little laugh of yours when something strikes you funny.

Happy Birthday little one! I love you so much!

Thumbs up!

2007-04-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, amidst the chaos of baseball season, I must have lost my brain somewhere.

Tuesday- we are getting ready to leave, I am barking orders at the children to vamoose out
of the house. I get them in the van, look in my purse for my keys..........NO KEYS. They are locked in the house. Yes, seriously.

So, I call hub and ask if there is a spare key hidden anywhere because, as the responsible person I am, all the doors are locked and I can't get back in the house. Nope, no such luck. However, (ray of light here), he says we can break into the house thru a window. Oh, how nice, did I need to know it was easy to break into my house? So, Logan and I go to the window and get it open. (ok, actually there are 2 windows, an outside one and an inside one) Yay. I stand on some cinder blocks and push my oldest thru the window (me in my old age could not have accomplished that feat). So, once he is in I tell him to close the inside window and I will close the outside one (the outside one was very tough to open). So, he does his part and I start pulling down on the outside one. THIS is where things get fuzzy. Somehow the hard window gave way and fell at warp speed ON MY THUMB. I am not sure how, but I got my thumb out and must have jumped off the cinder blocks. I really don't remember much of that part. Very fuzzy. All I do remember is the immense pain and me jumping around trying not to scream at the top of my lungs. Yes, we got in the house, but I have either broken my thumb or severly jammed and bruised my thumb.

Have no time for that though, we had to get to ball practice. So, I buck up, wipe my tears, grab some ice and start the rest of the horrible night. I have no time to go to dr and get an xray, Tyler has a game and pictures. So, as my thumb swells to twice it's size and turns purple and red, I muddle thru the LONGEST game of my life. They actually had to stop the game at the
2 hour time limit. They technically did not finish the game.

Wednesday- So, still no time to get my thumb checked out. And really, even if I did, what would they do? Nothing except confirm it broken. Pointless to pay them for that. So, we CLOSED ON THE HOUSE!!!! YAY. I never thought this day would come. Still though, my brain is still missing. On the way to closing, I stopped at Kroger to exchange the diapers I had bought in the wrong size. I have my kroger saving card on my keys. Yes, I left Kroger without my keys. I did not find this out though until we were out of town (Hub was driving, so no need for the keys then). So, later that day hub had to go and pick my keys up so that I can finish out my week of
torture.

Today- so far today I am ok. I haven't left yet though. We have baseball practice tonight, so we shall see if things go well.

Have you ever noticed how much you use your thumb? Even the simplest things have become difficult. Changing a diaper. Giving a bath. Spreading peanut butter on a waffle. Using the computer . I can type without my thumb,but my mouse is thumb driven. The ball part is on the side and you use your thumb to roll it around. I have had to become creative there. I have to lean over and use my left hand to work the ball and use my right index finger to press the buttons. I miss my thumb. I also would like the pain to go away. That isn't something I am fond of either.

So, if anyone has located a spare brain, I would be very interested in it. Losing mine has caused too much trouble already.

Take me out to the ball game.....

2007-04-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

I did it! I survived my first night of baseball games. You know I do this alone, right? Hubby has to work every flippin day we have a game. No kidding. I would swear these Little League coaches do this to kill me, it is a conspiracy I tell ya!!

So, kids come home at 3:45, we have to leave like right THAT minute because today Tyler
had practice at 4 and it takes us a good 20-30 min to get there. Yeah, that didn't happen on
time. Not my fault, Ty butt wanted to stall and drag his feet. So 4:15 we left the house and made it to his practice. I drop him off, he gets razzed for being late, again his OWN fault. And I leave to drive Logan to batting practice. He has to be there by 5. So, I convince him to get a ride with a teammate when he leaves batting practice at 5:45 to go to the baseball field for team pictures. I have to drive back to Tyler's practice and wait for him to finish. So, 5:50 rolls around, I gather Tyler up and head to McD's. That is also part of the conspiracy, the fast food joints must be giving a kickback to the league, because how else am I going to feed these kids on the road, in between practices and games?? Soooo, we get the dinner, head to the ball field where I meet Logan. We wait around for a good 20 minutes before his pictures are taken. Then we get to to and wait by the field for his game to start. We are hoping it starts on time, at 7.

By now, the sun is going down and it is getting colder. We set up and the kids start running around like maniacs. I swear, if you were at the ball field, you wouldn't hear the cheering for the teams, you would hear ME saying "Kaleb stop, Becca come here, Tyler quit, Kaleb don't run over them with the stroller, Becca come HERE, Kaity pleassse help, Kaleb, why are you crying?, Kaleb come HERE NOW," Do you get the point? I am a stressed out, baseball mom trying to keep the other 4 kids inline while the other is playing.

Logan plays, and I would swear it is the longest 1 hr 45 min of my LIFE. (this is just actual game time, not all the prelude before it). Then we get to wait ANOTHER 10 minutes because the coach has to talk to them because they lost 1-0. By now, Kaleb is crying, Becca is crying, Tyler is whining and Kaity, well, she was actually pretty good. I am frazzled. It is now almost 9pm and I am EXHAUSTED.

So, finally we get to pack everyone up and head home. 9:30 we get to start the process for bed. That is JUST as much fun.

SO, think this was fun? Well, I get to do it all again tomorrow. Only tomorrow, I get to add a dance class for Kaity to the mix. And it will be Logan at practice and Tyler with the team pictures and game, which starts at 7 (we hope).

After this the schedule will be Logan with an early game and a late game on either Monday or Thursday and Tyler with an early game and a late game on Tuesday and Thursday. Early games are at 5, so I say we could be home by 8. whoppee!!

Will I survive this until the middle of June???? Let's find out.....

Amazing!

2007-04-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing that a 4yr old and a 2yr old can obliterate a house in the matter of an HOUR? I am stunned, really stunned.

I was very busy working today, had my head in a big project. I was IN the room with them, they were playing in the living room and watching cartoons. They were giggling and laughing and romping around. I was like, wow, finally they are getting along! Kaleb usually knocks her down or trips her, something to make her see that he is the strong one. But not today, I even caught a glimpse of them playing barbies. Ok, well, playing is a strong word, they were swordfighting with the barbies. I think Kaleb even managed to decapitate one (sorry barbie!)

Anyhoo, I feel a break is deserved and that maybe it is time to fix lunch. I walk around the couch (the couches are a little high and block my view of the floor of the living room I can see the actual room, but the floor is a little out of my view- you know where I am going with this) and there is Trix cereal ALL OVER MY FLOOR. I was in shock. I heard no cereal throwing. As I am ranting and raving, my angels decide they better scatter to another room. They giggle on the way out.

So,while I am cleaning up Trix and cursing myself for not paying enough attention, I hear this loud "swish"..water dropping and spraying sound, along with big bouts of laughter . I immediatly head to the kitchen where I find my son and daughter (you know the angels that they are) engaging in a JUICE BOX FIGHT. I kid you not. I am sure the boy was behind this fiasco. He put the ammunition in the girl's hand and showed her what to do. But she was more than a willing participant. I am afraid she lost that war though, because he had her wet from head to toe.

Now, mind you, while running from the living room to the kitchen, I must first pass Kaleb's room. Here I find much of the same kinds of mess as the living room. A Trix war must have taken place here too. I know I was here, I swear it! How on earth could they do this with such little sound.

I think these two have learned to conspire against me. Anytime my head is turned away and preoccupied for even the shortest time, they find something destructive to do.

I admit, I wanted them to get along, but seriously, did I want them to be partners in crime? They have tagged up against me and I am really afraid they are going to win!! What am I saying, apparently they have already won. I am just trying to keep up!

I don't remember this much destruction and collaborating amongst my older kids when they were this little. Did I just forget or is the new generation learning that mom has gotten old and found ways to crack her?!?!

Tornado dreams

2007-04-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am having my tornado dreams again. Nearly every night, a few times a night, I get swept up by a tornado. I can be in different locations, taking precations, trying to wake up and that damn twister gets me every time.

Now, I was a psychology major (when I went to school LOL) and I have researched online what it means. It means I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed. Well that is the understatement of the year.
Why on earth would I be overwhelmed?

I am trying to mend my marriage
I am watching my fav aunt die
I am in the middle of a drama battle with the fav aunt family - too long and too gruesome of a story to have online.
I am in the middle of trying to close a loan on my home - this will certainly turn my hair white before too long
2 of my boys are in baseball - They are on different teams and play different days SO
Mon and Thurs - I am at one's practice while running to the other's game
Tues and Fri - I am running from one's game to pick up the other from Practice
Tues has the ADDITIONAL job of picking up daughter from dance class
Wed has only one practice, this is the light day
This week alone I have been running all over the country, not with just ball practices and dances, but to my aunts house that is 2hrs away and to the dr (kids needed a visit- one has poison oak the other has a staf infection on his EAR) which is also an hour away.

Now, I also must find time in my day to work or to catch up on work. I also must find time to transport Kaleb to school Mon-Wed.

Now, add in that I have the nearly 2 year old (who thinks she is very independant) with me the ENTIRE time.

I don't eat anymore. I can't find the time. My nerves are shot. I am having chest pains. (I am sure that last one is due to stress, not to worry)

Now notice, I did not include cleaning my house or doing laundry, those things have seemed to go by the wayside right now. Don't worry we aren't living in filth..... yet.

I am not complaining, really, this is my life and I signed up for it. I think I have just come to the point that I don't know whether I am coming or going. Maybe I am doing neither and just don't know it. LOL

So, dreaming of tornados will probably continue. Maybe I will start naming them so that they won't be so scary....... Let's start with tonights twister - Tornado Anne

Who wants to name the next one??? lol

FIsh Heads

2007-04-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, seriously, I don't get it. My kids LOVE this song. They dance
and sing like there is no tomorrow when it comes on XM kids.

I just don't get it. Are we being secretly brainwashed or something????

Happy Easter!!

2007-04-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

I do hope everyone out there is having a Happy Easter! No, I didn't have another child, the
funny one with the Easter grass on his head is my cousin, DJ, (Peg's son).

We have had some fun today. The whole clan went to my Aunt Peg's for
Easter. We had a great egg hunt and visited with Peg. She wasn't feeling too great today,
but we were glad to see her.

We had 97 hidden eggs and they found every one!! We had 1 very special egg, a large red egg, that held $5 in it. We decided to NOT tell anyone about the egg so that they wouldn't focus only on it. The egg was hidden rather well. Completely under a car, by the tire. Very hard to see. Low and behold, BECCA the baby!!, walked to the car, bent down and pointed at her egg!! She won the prize! We all just bust out laughing because it was the baby, out of all those kids, to find the prize egg! The older one's were not too happy when they found out! :-)

Tomorrow

2007-04-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

Swimming in tears
Drowning in sorrow
Heart so heavy
Will it lift tomorrow?

Tomorrow comes
Tomorrow goes
Each day passing
Lower are the lows

Surviving in the moment
Nightmares of the past
Wishing for the future
Praying this won't last

A ray of light lifts my sorrow
A dash of hope lightens my tears
Heart becomes a little lighter
So tomorrow I will hold dear.

Mending Fences

2007-04-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that we are on the road to mending. We have had a long talk and some crying and we have come to an understanding. He is to NEVER do this again and he is very sorry. I am trying to forgive, but I doubt I will forget. And, really, I don't want him to forget either. He has to realize that this hurt so much that I would have left. I can't go thru this kind of pain again. It is also understood that he will have nothing to do with that woman. She has agreed, atleast to me, that she will not contact him again. I have a hard time believing this, but I am hoping it is true.

Trust is a very serious issue for me. I have a very hard time forgiving and getting the trust back. This will be a major hurdle for me to overcome. I still, in my mind, see the words and I still get sick to my stomache when I think about it. I am not sure how long it will take for these images to vacate from my brain. I wish I had a fool proof way to get rid of these images and thoughts. For my marriage sake, I really hope we can overcome this.

On a lighter note, baseball season has started. My two boys are on different teams in different leagues. My days are so hectic now, I am not sure when one day starts and another one begins.
But, I have to admit, I love seeing them play! Pictures will follow as soon as games begin!!

Update, Er visit and "Just Friends"??

2007-03-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, seriously, usually there is NOT this much drama at my house.

I saw my aunt the other day. She is back at home, and a huge THANK YOU for all the prayers and positive thoughts for us. She is not going into remission or anything, but she was able to hold a conversation. I was able to understand her. That was huge. She is mostly lucid. She did have some hallucinations, but overall the visit went well. The prognosis is still the same, few days to a few weeks, but if she can be more like this, her quality of life would be better toward the end.

After the visit yesterday, my oldest decided he needed an ER visit. He was jumping with a friend and the friend fell on his arm. His left arm. His throwing arm. Well, to be sure it wasn't fractured or anything we spent HOURS in the worst ER ever. Seriously people, we were number 2 to be seen. And it took almost 2 hours before we were. Thankfully he wasn't, say, BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD or anything. So, prognosis is a sprained wrist. He is in a splint for a few days. Whew!

Ok, here is the drama today. I was nosey, I admit it. I have had a nagging feeling and I couldn't shake it. So I became a snoop. I wish I hadn't. I found very disturbing emails between my husband and a "friend". (girl). Now, this is the same "friend" that I had a problem with in January and he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. I guess the operative word is TALK. Apparently email isn't talking. There were erotic emails. VERY erotic emails. What was more disturbing was the "I love YOU", "Missing you Always", "You are always in my heart".
Now, don't get me wrong, the emails detailing what sex acts they would like to perform on each other were VERY disturbing. But "I love YOU". I thought that was suppose to be reserved for your spouse. (btw, she is married too) And he says they are "JUST FRIENDS" Now, they have not had a physical relationship RECENTLY. I say this because, apparently, once upon a time they did. (before me). HE lied about that. In January he said they were never in a "relationship", I didn't specifically ask if they had SEX. Silly me. And apparently these emails were not "talking", so it should have been ok. UM NO. I am hurt, I am angry, I am so full of emotion, I am shaking. I confronted him (on the phone, he is out of town), he didn't deny it. First it was "we have always just talked that way, didn't see that it was wrong". UM, WHAT???? So explaining how you would "bend them over and rock them hard" is ok? (this was a TAME reference btw) Ok, maybe when you were single it was ok to carry on like this, but you are married now, and have been for a few years. These emails are RECENT. He has apologized. He is upset that I, found out or that he really hurt me, I am not sure. He says he wants me, not her. I emailed her too. Told her she needs to leave my husband alone and I bet her husband wouldn't be too much of a fan if he found out what she was saying to my husband. She apologized too, but I don't know.

Ok, sorry only goes so far, and I am having a HARD time reconsiling all this. Am I overreacting? They were just emails, there were no physical meetings as far as I know. But wouldn't the personal nature of the emails still imply INTENT. And shouldn't those things be sacred in a marriage? Even with "friends", I have NEVER talked that way. I wouldn't dream of talking that way. It would be one thing if this "friendship" was, oh hi, how are you doing... blah blah blah. No problem there, but talking about sexual positions they would like, toys they would like to use, and the "I love you's". Seriously, does he think I am STUPID???? Don't insult me and say
you are "just friends who always talked this way".

I am not perfect by any means. I have screwed up my past marriages. But, again, am I overreacting because it was only phone or email driven? Would you still consider it cheating? Would you still feel betrayed? I know I do, and it hurts so much. I can't seem to find a way, right now, to forgive and forget. I am seriously hurt.

Seriously.

Hurt.

In the process of loss

2007-03-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

I am crying as I write this, so please, exuse any typo's or run on sentences.

The last few days have been nightmarish. My aunt Peg, who we thought was beating cancer, has
now been given a few days to a few weeks to live. I talked to her on the phone, just over a week
ago, and she was fine. She was doing radiation. She was upbeat, feeling sure she was beating the cancer. She was laughing and joking.

Then, I get a call Wednesday night. Peg isn't doing so well, they have had to take her into the hospital. Maybe it's dehydration. She has had these issues before. Well my other aunt, the one who called me lives in another state and was wanting me to find out more. She wasn't sure of the details. It was too late to call any one that night, so on Thursday morning I called Peg's cell phone. Her older son answers. The news isn't good. Yes, she is in the hospital. No, it doesn't look good. The dr on call gave the grim news of imminent death.

I rush to the hospital. Cursing that it will take 1 1/2 hrs to get there. I run in and she is lying
on the bed. She is without hair. She is listless. She looks at me, but only with a glazed stare. She trys to speak and all it is is mubmling that you can't understand. She fades in and out of sleep. She fades in and out of knowing what is going on around her. I am heartbroken.

I continued to visit her daily thru the weekend. My uncle had hopes that this severe reaction was due to dehydration and that a few days in the hospital will help her. By now, we have no choice but to accept the reality. She is not dehydrated. Her cancer has been progressing and it is killing her. She is losing touch with reality.

I had kept her 10 yr old son with me thru the weekend. Hoping that amongst this that he might get a little break from the hospital. He acted like a kid at my house, and when we went back to the hospital it was like he was in denial of what was happening. My heart is breaking for him.

Right now the word is that she will remain in the hospital until her regular dr (he was on vacation during all of this) gets back on Monday or Tuesday. This will be when they decide if she will stay in the hospital or go home with hospice. To see if there is anything more we can do to preserve or giver her back her quality of life. I am sure the only thing they can do is to keep her comfortable.

I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so full of emotion that I don't know how to express it. I was raised as a sister with Peg (my mom died at an early age and my grandparents took custody). She is only 12yrs older than I. I was her birthday present. (Our birthdays are 4 days apart and my mom jokingly gave me to her as a gift) We look alike. She is the fun, party aunt. She is my confidant. When I was going thru my divorce, she took me and the kids in and helped me thru it.
She has been a rock of friendship and love in my life. How can I let her go now?

I feel so guilty also. She was wild, she drank too much and she did very reckless things with her life. I had gotten to the point that I was embarressed by her actions. Now, all I wish is that I could have her back. Bad traits and all. I want her whole, I want her back. I want her here.

I know it is futile to hope for this. My head tells me that I must wish for her to go so that she can be out of pain. I don't want her in pain. But, God, I am going to miss her so much.

Anybody who prays, please put her in yours. She is leaving behind 3 good kids (2 are adults now) and a whole family of sisters, brothers, mother, neices, nephews, great neices and great nephews, and a grandchild that adore her.

Do, Docs and Doors....

2007-03-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't posted in awhile. So much has been going on. I know, lame excuse, but heres the scoop.

I did get my new hairdo.. and I mostly like it. I think I didn't have it cut enough, so I might be going back for more cutting, but I LOVE the highlights. Seems like a waste that I now have to pay another $35 to have it cut, but I guess, that's the way it goes.

Oldest boy went to the PDoc (aka Shrink) to make sure he isn't bipolar or whatever. He isn't. She feels it is puberty and unresolved anger against his birth father who has been a DIPSHIT and has avoided them since December of last year. He never was consistant about his calls or visits, but it seems he has decided to cut all ties whatsoever since December. Logan is mad, but feels guilty for being mad and takes it out on us. I didn't like the PDoc because during this assessment, she did NOT ask about family history. Um, think that is important. And she YAWNED the whole way thru the interview. Seriously, are we that boring???

Anyhoo.... my hubby and I have been fighting the majority of the week. Long story short we are buying our house. (we have lived in it for 5 yrs now) Ever want to test your marriage, this was the way to do it. His parents are involved in this mess, and it irritates me to no end. I thought by us buying the house that we could eliminate their involvement. I WAS SO WRONG. Anyway, longer story shorter, we have made up, but I am still irritated and we have another hurdle to overcome before the house (and higher payments- we are trying to get more than is owed to do some needed renovations) are officially ours.

So, fastforward to today and here is the new fun topic. Doors. We have had this sliding glass door in our dining room that we have wanted to replace. So a few weeks ago, we went and bought a new one. Today was door day. They ripped the old door out, destroying it in the process (remember this part, it was important). They (hubby and his parents) get the new
door and frame out of the garage and start working on putting it together. They get the frame
built and try to install it in the HOLE in our wall. It doesn't fit. It is TOO TALL. Yes, too tall, and they do not make them any shorter. Great. What now? Can't put the old door back in because they DESTROYED it. (see told you it was important) Ok, now what? We have a gaping hole in our wall and NO DOOR. Also, the frame they built, the one that is too tall, we can't take back because they already built it. So, we can't even get all our money back for the door that is too big. Now, hubby and FIL have gone back to Home Depot (yeah, they say you can do it yourself, but I have may doubts about that) to return what we can of the door and to get something to board up the gaping HOLE in my wall. Eventually the plan, or so I am told, is to put a regular door there and a wall. For right now though, it will just be boarded with OSB or some crap like that.

Oh, did I forget to mention that we have a house appraiser coming next week for our loan. We have to get and appraised value of 25% over what we are asking for on the loan. I bet he is going to LOVE my gaping hole in the wall (temporarily fixed with plywood and insulation) . Should make for an interesting appraisal of my house.

I am really trying to laugh this off. Hubby is trying to fix his MEGA mistake. I won't rub it in too much... :-)

Singing the blues....

2007-03-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I watched The View today to see what they had to say about depression. I was interested, but I didn't learn anything new. I have been struggling with my depression alot lately. I am functioning, but barely. I am exhausted all the time and mostly in a blah mood. I am also very impatient and "short" with people. I blow up easily. I am trying little things to get me motivated and in a better mood. Like I am going to get my hair done tomorrow. But with that, comes anxiety. I have never paid so much to have a highlight and cut ($80 geez). So, I am wondering if it will be worth it. Or if I will be worth it. I have splurged on a new pair of sandals (also high priced, $45 geez) and have decided to give myself a pedicure. I am hoping this downward swing is due to the fact that I am ,like 89% of women now, letting myself go. I totally let myself go. 5 years ago I wouldn't have dreamed of going out of the house without makeup or perfectly made up. Now, I throw on some exercise pants or sweats and nearly 100% of the time have my hair in a clip or pony tail. Why do I have long hair, if all I am going to do is put it up? And I almost NEVER wear makeup anymore. I don't think I own anything other than mascara now and it is nearly dried up (I am sure).

I have been trying to do some soul searching and I am not coming up with any new answers. I am still taking my medication (max on Wellbutrin and 50 mg of seroquel) and I am functioning, but not thriving. I don't want to go and change my medicine again because I feel I tolerate this combo well. I don't have terrible side effects or weight gain. I really feel that this is the right combo, but something in my head is still bringing me down. I am not manic hardly ever anymore. And I love that the seroquel puts me to sleep at night becuase that is my hardest thing to do, sleep. I want to sleep, but it doesn't come easily to me.

Anyway, I guess the real reason for this post is to confess that I am "singing the blues" but that I am trying to get out of it. I don't really know if I am going about it the right way, but it is an effort just the same. The only thing helpful on The View was that it seemed that most of the people fighting depression (or bipolar like me) did yoga. Now, I use to LOVE doing yoga. But that was when my body wasn't betraying me (extra weight, age). Now, I feel like a failure when I do it. I would sooooo love to start doing it again, and maybe this should be my incentive to start again. If Rosie O'Donnel can do it, I can too! So, anyone out there that has recently pulled themselves up and wants to share advise, I am all ears! You would think since I have been dealing with this since I was a child, I would have conquered this by now, but sadly I haven't.

Commit me now.....

2007-03-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

If you are here for the party, HERE is my original post.

Now for the real scoop. How insane was I today? I would say the most insane I have been in sometime. What on EARTH would posess me to take the 5 (heathens) kiddo's to have their hair cut. Now, this in itself is crazy, but add in the fact that I have the stomache flu and was up half the night sick. Yes, you can sign the commitment papers now.

Now, this wasn't just some random act. I did have a plan. First, the plan was to take darling Kaity to dance class. I HAD to do this. So, during dance class I thought I would get my oldest's hair cut. I would only have him and the youngest with me. Two hyper boys would stay with mother in law. Seemed like a doable plan, not too hard. Now, before leaving for dance class, mother in law says she can't take the 2 boys she "must" go and return a computer. Great, lovely timing. So, oldest boy knows he was to get his hair cut today (1st hyper boy Tyler was going to get it cut tomorrow) so I couldn't cancel. Now, I would just get the two oldest boy's cut at the same time. So, I drop Kaity off and dance class and go to the salon. We have to wait, and wait, and wait. Ok, I ONLY have 45 minutes to do this. Well, 40 minutes have passed now and I have to tell them to forget it. No, they tell me, they will "hold my spot" until I get back and they will "work us in". Great, so my 40 minutes of waiting is not in vain. So, I heard the 4 back into the van, race to get Kaity from dance and then turnaround and go back to the salon, get all 5 out and head in. Now, Kaleb is getting anxious, he wants the McDonalds that was promised earlier and is not very patient to begin with. So, after only 10 more minutes of waiting, they call Logan in to ge the hair cut. Things are progressing nicely. In the midst, I am constantly in my verbal war with kids "Kaleb no" "Tyler stop" "Becca come back here" "Kaleb NO" "Tyler, pleeaaassseeee" "Becca come back HERE". You get the point. So, Logan is finally done, and he looks very nice I might say. Tyler goes next. The poor hairstylist couldn't keep his head still. Now, he is 10, so this should not have been a hard feat. He ended up looking nice too. But, the poor boy needed a haircut so bad, he was looking like a Monchichi. So, she finishes, and I say what the heck, let's get Kaity's hair cut too. We have been in the salon for almost 2 hours now (total not the second time) and she deserves it too. Thankfully, hers went quickly.

Now, you would think this would be the END of the story. Oh you are so wrong. So, while I am trying to pay, and laugh at all the "Oh my they are all YOURS" jokes, Kaleb jumps up and down and cries that he needs to pee. Ok, Logan, go and take your brother potty. Ok, problem handled. WRONG. Kids come running back to me "Kaleb ran into the ladies room and won't come out". Yes, the older boys keep popping their heads into the FULL ladies room to try to get Kaleb out. (Do you have the commitment papers yet?) So, I finish paying, blushing the entire way and go on my quest to get Kaleb out of the women's bathroom. Yes, that was a scene. He didn't want to leave. I had a screaming 4 yr old all the way to the van.

Ahhh, is it over yet? Well, it is almost bed time, so that is good. And as Scarlett says "tomorrow is another day" (and yes, I am saying it in my best southern drawl) But, is that a good thing?

Now, I would have POSTED a picture of the kids with the haircuts, but they didn't cooperate. BIG SURPRISE, I know.

Now, I have to go to bed, too much partying I guess, because my tummy hurts *snif*

Party Time!!

2007-03-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am fashionably late to the party, but here goes! The Ultimate Blog Party is on!

I am Missi and I am a work at home mom to 5 rugrats. Yes, you heard me 5. (and yes, I do know where they come from, I just happen to be good at it!) My hubby is away most of the week so I am here in the nuthouse alone with the kiddo's most of the time. I work online for a GREAT birth announcement /Invitation company, Pea Pod Announcements. My best friend is owner and designer and you have got to stop by to see her work! Go on, I will wait.......

So, pull up a chair, grab a drink and get your party hat on. Toga anyone??

Any questions, shoot! I am in a talking mood and I think I might be inclined to share a secret or two with the right incentive!

Terrible 4's?????

2007-03-05T18:41:00.001-08:00

He looks innocent enough, doesn't he?? Yeah, he has been a HOLY TERROR lately. Seriously, my beautiful auburn hair is turning gray! I have aged 10 years in the last few days. I am not kidding..... I have one foot in the grave RIGHT NOW.

You ask, how can this angelic child be a demon? Well, lets see. Here are a FEW things he has done lately:

He has learned how to unlock the fridge door. Then he has decided he is old enough to pour his own juice. The floor didn't agree.

He thinks it is funny to push his sister into the food cabinet and close her in.

The second I turn my back he has thrown every toy out of his toybox and makes it "rain".

He has snuck under a table with a 1/2 of a 2 liter of sprite and finished it off. He then decides to get the caffine out of his body by jumping furiously on the bed.

He climbed up the counter to get the sissors. He then tried to give his sister a haircut. (this I must say, scared me the MOST- all our knives and sissors are no longer in the carosel on the counter. They are locked in the dishes cabinet)

He finds it hilarious to try to rip my shirt up in public.

He has found new "colorful" words to describe various things that make him mad. (thanks grandma)

When I am dropping him off at school, he finds it funny to run to the front seat and try to
"drive" when I am trying to get him OUT of the van.

SO, this is just in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted! Is it just the age? Because I am telling ya, my oldest was calm. My second oldest is hyper (ADHD), but I swear he wasn't this riled up!. My third oldest was also calm. Here is number 4 and he is really giving me a run for my money! What do I have to look forward to with number 5??? Will I survive Kaleb to see Becca at 4??

Please tell me when he turns 5 in May that he will grow out of it.

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!

Helpful...... or nosey???

2007-03-01T18:47:00.000-08:00

I have waited a couple of days to write about this because this subject is really unnerving me. My mother in law has taken out a life insurance policy on my husband, a large one. He had her husband tell my husband (his stepfather) that it is because we want "Missi taken care of in the event...".

Ok, on the surface this can look like a nice gesture. However, my mother in law and I HATE each other. This woman has threatened to kill me. Yes, really. She goes out of her way to make my life miserable. She plays favorites with my children and deliberately goes behind my back to undermine me. Ok, the death threat came a few years ago. Since then, we have not "patched" our relationship. I am civil to her, but I also avoid her at all costs. OK, she lives next door (country next door, you know, I can see her house, but I wouldn't walk there). She is only here every other month and we get together maybe once in that month. I have alot of resentment still against her and I can't quite get over it.

Now, in this situation, would you look at this as a gift? Because here is how I have taken it. First, I am not the beneficiary, she is. That right there puts me off. It is not that I want this money, it is that she could have control over my life in the event of. I am not a fan of anyone's control over me, much less a person I dont' like. And the statement "we want Missi taken care of" really gets me. She doesn't like me, why should she want to take care of me? It would be good if it were in trust for the kids, but there goes another problem. She favor's ONE child out of the 5. If it were up to her, he is the only one she would see. We force her to "try" and show that she is the grandparent of all of them. So my fear, "in the event of", there would be great discrimination amongst my children. Also, I have the fear that "in the event of" she will use the money to fight me for custody of the one child. He is not my birth child, so she feels she is the "mother" figure to him, regardless of my role here. She initiated taking him away from his birth mother, why wouldn't she do the same to me?

So, this is the situation. I am upset. Should I be? I don't know. I have tried looking at it from both sides, but my resentments and my fears are overpowering. I am a very cynical person by nature (well, more so because I was turned this way by life) so I could be blowing this out of porportion.

The only other question I have is, Hubby's stepfather has 2 other grown children. Did they put life insurance on them so that their wives could be "taken care of?" The answer is no. The reason?... Your guess is as good as mine.

Oh, I should also mention that we already have life insurance set up. We took care of this a few years ago and she is well aware of the fact that we already have life insurance.

New obsession.....

2007-02-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

I am afraid this may have become my new addiction. I am not a "regular" coffe drinker. But, I love a good cappuccino. Now, I find that I can make them at home!! (My hickville stores did not carry anything like this until now) I have to tell you, I have had my first cup and I am in LOVE.

Another new obsession? (like I needed any more) I saw this reality show... Gene Simmon's Family Jewels. It was on A&E. Oh, my was this show FUNNY!!! I guess I was catching the reruns because I saw a marathon of them. Now, I am not a huge KISS fan. Truth be told, I have heard very few KISS songs. (I think I like Beth and that is all I can remember now) But to see this man as a father and as a "husband" (as he states, he is NOT married to B movie star Shannon Tweed- they have just been living and raising their kids together forever!). And it is coming back on March 25th YAY.

I think that is enough confessions today........

On the mend

2007-02-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

Finally, we are all on the mend. I seriously thought I would have to take Kat's suggestion and MOVE. LOL But everyone is back to school now, so the chances of us staying healthy now are slim! Germs seem to cling to those kids in school. 4 are in school, and you figure there are atleast 20 kids per class, that is alot of contact with a lot of germs! Almost makes me think of home schooling..... ALMOST. I don't have the patience or drive to home school. The teachers at the respected schools are much more qualified than I. Besides, me being away from them for a few hours a day makes me appreciate them all the more!

Nothing else is really happening. We just bought new living room furniture from Rooms to Go, but we won't get it for a MONTH. Yup, you heard me, a month. It is back ordered. So, other than a HUGE drop in our savings, we have nothing to show for it. Well, I guess I can oggle it online when I feel I need to see it. Later in March it will be here, and boy will it be worth the wait. Our poor funiture now is decrepit. Very bad. LOL We made it last as long as possible, but the couch needs to be put out of it's misery. We will be holding a small ceremony on March 22nd, I might even write a eulogy before we burn it down.

In the trenches

2007-02-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

My household is NOT the place to be right now. Since last week we have dealt with strep throat, rotovirus and the stomache flu. The first sign that one is getting better, another on is getting worse. It has even affected me. I am drained, I have recurrant stomache flu from helping all the kids with it. Ray is lucky to have a job that takes him away. He isn't subject to all the sickness and he doesn't have to feel like he is knee deep in vomit and diapers, unlike myself. I think after this epidemic is over, I will have to replace the carpet in my bathroom, all the kids seem to make it to the carpet, but not the toilet. So, hopefully all the Lysol I have been using will start working soon so that we can resume a normal life again. I really think I should buy stock in Lysol, I bet I could make a fortune!

On a really sad note, my aunt Peg has just discovered that the cancer that is in her lung, liver and throat has now spread to her brain. The first dr that gave her the diagnosis was very bleak and gave her 6 months to live. She has since seen another dr who has given her hope that she might be able to overcome it. She has been unable to do Chemotherapy as it has given her terrible bad reactions to it. What chemo she has received has not helped at all anyway, her liver has gotten worse, not better. So, this dr has proposed more radiation. They are going to start the radiation with her head and go from there. The dr feels optomistic because she has not experienced any symptoms, like headaches, from the brain cancer. This prospect is especially scary for our family as my grandpa, her father, had lung cancer that spread to his brain and he died in a relatively short time. Peg is only in her 40's and has a young son still to raise. We just can't lose her yet. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. We are trying to stay optomistic.

Happy Birthday Baby!!

2007-02-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

I may not have carried you inside of me, and I wasn't there when you were a baby. I met you on a warm August day when you were just about 4. I had been dating your dad for just over a month and we had finally scheduled a meeting between you, my kids and I. You shyly knocked on the door to my house and asked where my kids and the toys were. I fell in love with you that day. It feels like you have forever been inside my heart.

I was very excited the day I married your dad. Not only because I had found my mate, but because I had gained a son to whom my love would know no bounds. You made my heart melt the night of the wedding, when we were putting you into bed, and you asked if you could call me mom. We have been together now for 5 years and you amaze me with every day. You are a burst of sunshine and can always make me laugh. You are growing into such a fine young man and I am so happy to have you as my son.

Happy 10th Birthday baby! I love you.

Happy Valentine part 2

2007-02-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

It is just getting better and better!

My older princess girl has strep throat. Since she seems to be getting it multiple times in a year, dr is advising that she get a tonsilectomy. I feel so bad for her!

Ray is still in Illinois and he still has NOT unloaded his load. His truck has broke down. He has not moved from where he stopped last night. Now it looks as though the truck won't be fixed until later tonight and he might/might not be able to unload the load today. So, he might not come home until Saturday because the "company" will make him still run the rest of the week's run. What fun. I really have to just laugh now because it has become so ridiculous!

Happy Valentines???

2007-02-13T14:21:00.000-08:00

Well, today has been a day for all days! You know that Alabama song "Roll on 18 wheeler". Well it talks about a husband/father that is stuck in a snowbank in Illinois. Ok, that trucker was in a wreck, my hubby, the trucker, is stuck BECAUSE of those damn snowbanks in Illinois. He was doing his runs and because of the storms, he (and his partner) couldn't get their last load unloaded. They are now being forced to stay overnight (he should have been home tonight). Not only that, they will NOT be paid extra for losing their day off and they will not receive another day off to comp. it. It is utter and complete BULLSHIT, if you ask me. The company claims is that they "can't control the weather". Um, ok, and my husband can??? Do they really think that they would prefer to stay in Illiniois on thier day off than to come home??? Wouldn't you think the buttheads at the company might have thought to call the route OFF if the weather was going to be bad? Seriously, does everyone have their heads up thier asses??? I swear, if we didn't need the job, he would already be gone.

Well, I apologize for all the profanity. If you read me regularly, you know I don't cuss like a "trucker" (sorry, LOL, I had to use it). But I am very, very upset. Can you hear my heart breaking? So, again, ignore the expelatives.

Did I also mention that I have been at home all day with 5 sick kids and I have been fighting a terrible cold now for almost a week. LOL I don't know about you, but I am soooo ready for this week to already be over.

So, anyway, I hope everyone else out there has a Happy V day!

Days like these

2007-02-12T08:56:00.000-08:00

ANNA NALICK - Breathe (2 AM)

"Cause you can't jump the track,were like cars on a cable and life's like an hour glass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl so cradle your head in your hands. And breathe, just breath, oooh breathe, just breathe"

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again.. if you only try turnin' around.2am and I'm still awake writing a song. If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatenin' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I am naked in front of a crowd because these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know you will use them however you want to. Because you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button now, yeah sing it if you understand and breathe, just breathe, oooh breathe, just breathe."

Something I need to remember on days like these......

Baby B has come into her own

2007-02-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

Now, what exactly has she come into you might ask. TERROR. She has become a holy terror. You turn your back for 5 seconds and she starts destroying things left and right. Temper tanturms are a daily occurance now. Not just the loud wailing, but the full on the floor, throwing the body around, kicking and screaming legs tantrums. I am not surprised, it was bound to happen sooner or later. (I would have preferred later) What HAS surprised me is her new facinations.
Picture this ANGELIC child. You see her. She is innocent, right? Well, the other night while we are watching a movie, she opts to go and play in the older kids rooms. Seems harmless enough. We were WRONG. She comes out after being in there, oh about 5 minutes, and comes to sit on my lap. I look down and she is COVERED in nail polish. Bright pink nail polish to be exact. She has it all over her hands, up her arms, on her pj's. OMG the smell. I would swear by the smell of it, fumes should have been flying off of her. Apparently, my oldest daughter, took off with my case of nail polish and left it in Ty's room (ok, don't ask me why my SON had it in his room,I have no answer). Not only did she cover herself in nail polish, but she opened many more bottles and POURED them into the box. So, off to the bath we go. Let me tell you, scrubbing does little for nail polish. And the nail polish that was on her pj's, leaked onto her skin, so her knees and legs were also pink. And do you think I have ANY nail polish remover in the house?? Yeah, no, fresh out. So, needless to say, after an hour in the bath, she went to bed slightly pink.

So, my peaceful days of watching this innocent child are gone. Here are the days where I must watch her like a HAWK.

I don't know

2007-02-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

I have been racking my brain to find something funny to talk about. I felt I needed something lighthearted to show. I can't find anything. I am not depressed or anything, but I just am not finding anything humerous in life these days. My kids do their normal funny things and I do giggle then, but it doesn't seem noteworthy enough to sit down and write about.

The one thing that keeps infultrating my mind is my aunt. She is barely over 40 and she is dying. We are trying to keep a positive outlook, but the odds seemed stacked against us. She has cancer. She has cancer of the throat, lungs and liver. The tumor, also known as the mothership, is located in her throat and is inoperable. For that area they are using radiation. For her lungs and liver, they are using Chemo. But, she has now had bad allergic reactions to the chemo. They aren't sure they can keep treating it with the chemo. What happens then? No one seems to be giving a good answer. Meanwhile she is in pain. She is being taken care of my my grandma and my uncle. Both of whom have medical conditions of their own. This situation keeps going from bad to worse. I live only a few hours away from her and I would love to help, but I have many kids. These many kids, besides the fact I am with them alone 3/4 of the week, brings home many germs. I can't come near my aunt because of these germs. I can't even visit with my grandma or uncle for fear that I could transfer some germs and they could carry them to her. I feel so helpless. My aunt is really trying to put up a brave front, but has confided in me that she would really like to give up. How do you talk someone into trying harder? Seriously, with all she is going thru now, if it were me, would I want to give up too?

I am trying to have faith that this was caught early enough. I am trying to have faith that
she will be alright. She has a son who is around my kids age, I couldn't imagine him growing
up without her. I couldn't imagine this family without her. She is the comic relief, she is the confidant, she is the mediator, she is the life of the party and she is the drama mama.
Since she is all those things, the family can not lose her. So, we hold on to faith that
this cancer will go into remission, I just hope it doesn't destroy her in the process.

Happy Birthday

2007-02-02T18:43:00.000-08:00

70+ years today a remarkable woman was born. She survived poverty. She survived being a sickly child and forced to live with relatives instead of her parents. She met and married the love of her life when she was 21. A good Irish Catholic girl who stayed home and raised 7 kids. She buried one more when she was only a day old. She survived her first triple bypass surgery at the young age of 30. She had many more after that. She survived a near fatal car crash when a bridge fell that was holding her car. It crashed 40 feet to cement, her lower half of her body crushed. The dr's told us there wasn't much hope that she would live. She lived. They told us she wouldn't walk again. She walks, drives, does almost everything she did before. This time with one leg in a permenant brace. She has survived 2 more children who have died. She cared for her husband, who ulitmately died from Cancer. She survived another car crash. This time a tornado ripped a tree from it's roots and tossed it in front of her moving car. She was bedridden for months, but she is up walking again. She is, right now, caring for another one of her kids, my aunt who has Cancer. She is fearless. She is brave. She is loving. She is kind. She can be generous to a fault. She is so remarkable that it is hard for me to even put into words.

When my mom died, I was 5. My grandma took me in. She cared for me as a mother would. She let us (my sister and I) live with our father for the school year and she kept us in the summer.(long story, but my she had custody of us, not my father, but she wanted to do what was right for us) When my dad died and I was having a hard time leaving an abusive boyfriend, she took me in again. She encouraged me to be better. She hugged me when I was sad. She scolded me when I made the wrong choices (and boy, did I make many). She has shared with me my joys and sorrows. She is my idol, my mother and my best friend. She is the grandma to 33 grandkids (I am the oldest) and she makes each one of us feel special and loved.

Happy Birthday Grandma, I love you. There are no words that can really express my feelings accurately for you. You are remarkable and I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Hmmmmmm.....

2007-02-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

So, school was called off today. Snow. Snow? Does this look like snow to you???

Yeah, the kids 'tried' to have a snowball fight. They wanted to ride a sled. I think they were a little dissapointed with the "Snow Day".

And on another note:

ME 1
Mouse 0
Ray 0

So, we bought $40 worth of mouse catching equipment. $35 of it went to ONE machine that Ray said was just "IT". The machine has caught NO mice in the whole week it has been active. I insisted Ray set the $2 mouse traps last night. And low and behold, a vermin has been caught.... in the $2 trap!!! I would normally be gloating right about now, but........ I need someone to remove the vermin and set the trap again... LOL.... any takers???

SOS part 2

2007-01-30T18:12:00.000-08:00

So, things with Logan have been ok lately. There have been a few minor outbursts, but nothing really abnormal. Today was a different story. Tonight is dance class night for Kaity and we will either a) sit in the van for the 45 minutes or b) go to Walmart or a store. Ok, today I was contemplating going to Walmart with the remaining 4 kids. This is not a fun chore. This is adventure is even worse when one or more have "attitudes". When I mentioned going to Logan, he immediatly went into a tirade about wanting to go to Blockbuster. I calmly said I wasn't going to blockbuster today (trips to blockbuster with Kaleb are nightmarish. He runs away from me, runs up and down the isles and I am constantly trying to catch him, hold him and whisper yelling "stop it, no, stand here, wait a second, please stop!". So, I avoid blockbuster when I am alone with the kids) and that I can go tomorrow during school if he lets me know what he wants. This set off an "attitude". He was sullen and argumentative all the way to dance class. It was then and there I decided that I wasn't going to Walmart today (now mind you, I was going for a few work related items, not to buy them anything). He immediatly yells at me and calls me a liar. Ok, so I explain to him why I don't want to go and that is that. Oh, was I so wrong. This led into "everything is because of me, you hate me, you got divorced because of me". WTF? Where the hell did that come from? I have had numerous conversations with him about the divorce from his father and it was made quite clear that it was not their fault, it was just because he and I couldn't get along. Now, also realize, I have been divorced from this man for over 6 years. So, now, as I am trying to reassure him that he is not the reason, he just keeps muttering that it is his fault. He won't listen to reason. He is again sullen and arguementative. So, the other kids are in the van playing and I decide just to ignore Logan's mood because a) it isn't doing me any good to try and reason with him and b) I kinda feel like he is manipulating me. So, then Tyler accidentally bumps his elbow, because in the front seat chair, Logan is hanging on the side. I ask him to lean the other way so that there is room for everyone else and he starts in saying "well it is a free country and I can get out instead of staying here". I advise him not to do it, but he gets out and slams the door. He walks across the parking lot and enters the building where the dance studio is. I know he is waiting for me to come and get him. I didn't. I know he is safe because he is in the building, but I was still wondering how far was he going to go with this. Was he going to go out another door and try to run up the roads in town? Was he going to sit there all night until I came in to get him? What was he planning? Tyler is talking my ear off telling me that he is in big trouble. The other two are playing well enough and I am lost in my thoughts and fuming as well. So, I keep a watch on the building to make sure he doesn't try to make a run for it and I hear Tyler telling me the "story" of what Logan said happenend another time. Which was true, a few weeks ago he did run outside in his underwear and try to run away from home. Tyler was in shock, he thought Logan was lying (Tyler and Kaity were at their grandparents that night). I said no, he did it and dad went after him. He said oh, and Logan said you were sitting at the computer crying. Yes, I said, I was. Now, since they weren't there, and Ray and I haven't talked about it openly with the kids, was Logan bragging about it? This made me wonder, again, if I wasn't being manipulated. We have already seen the regular dr and he said it could be a) hormones b) a mood disorder or c) just him acting out. So we have a pdoc appt later in the month of February. Now, mind you, Logan has already said a) that he won't go or b) if he does go, he won't talk because this will just make him madder.

Finally, the dance class is over and Logan has been in the building now for 25 minutes. They both come out to the van. He gets in. I decide to remain very calm. I wasn't going to blow my top. I asked him, did he think about the consequences of his action? He said yea, he did, but he didn't care, he knew he would be in big trouble. So, some more silence and I go to order dinner. He says he isn't eating because "he didn't deserve it". I ordered him food anyway and about 15 minutes later, he reluctantly eats it. About 1/2 way home, he does apologize (without any promting from me) and I thank him. I asked him to please reconsider this method of acting out again, as it really does upset me. I advise him that I am grounding him from tv and he has to go bed early because of this act tonight. He says ok. I advised him that if he gave me grief about his punishment tonight, that his grounding would go on past today.

Now, I still feel like a failure. I don't know what instinct right now to trust. I am scared out of my mind. He is only 11, what happens when he really turns into a teenager? Could he have my mood disorder or is he just angry at the world right now? Could he not have gotten over the divorce or is he just mad because his dad hasn't called in over a month? I am so torn. I don't know what to do. I feel that anything I try to do is going to be wrong. I am so afraid of him taking this further and really running away. But what if he is just manipulating me and using my fears and guilt against me? What then? I can't stop being afraid of what he might do and I can't stop feeling guilty over things that have happened. Oh, I just don't know what to do. I just pray that I can get thru to him.

Eye Candy

2007-01-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

Matchbox Twenty-Unwell

My theme song. But also, I could just stare at Rob Thomas all day. He is just so hot! LOL

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and then you'll see a different side of me.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough your gonna think of me and how I use to be.... ME.

Aren't we all a bit crazy sometimes?

Song of the Week

2007-01-29T14:56:00.000-08:00

Val Kilmer: Bowling For Soup

Haven't you ever felt like your life was a movie? Sure you have, I know I have. What movie would your life be?

EEEEEKKKK!

2007-01-26T15:54:00.000-08:00

Imagine, if you will, a bathroom. A cold and lightly lit room. You sit down to (you know the drill here, no need for imagination, thank you) and you feel a BANG on the back of your heel. You look down and there is a GRAY MOUSE running away from your foot. OMG, can I say that again, OMG. The horror!!! Screaming starts and does not stop while you are trying to get your feet off of the ground. EEEEWWWWW. Now, this happened this morning. Imagine if you will the same bathroom a week ago. I was giving my kids a bath and while they were happily playing in the water, I am sitting down on the floor reading a book. All of a sudden the mouse runs from across the bathroom to go UP MY PANT LEG. Yes, yelling and jumping around commenced until the filthy rodent exited my pants and scurried away.

We have mouse poison out, we have mouse traps set with peanut butter. This DAMN MOUSE eats the peanut butter and doesn't set off the trap and he avoids the poison. Why does this mouse insist on torturing me? Why won't he leave, or better yet, end his time on earth? Why did Ray move me to this BFE house, surrounded by trees and animals, so that filthy little rodents like the one we have now, enter my house and decide to stay?

We are going to have a war. Either the mouse or I will win. I am on a mission. But, for the time being, I think I will avoid my bathroom (bladder be damned) and I will strategically place chairs throught my house so that I can avoid the floor.

Blah

2007-01-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

It is just a very blah day for me. Actually yesterday was too. These new meds the dr put me on really make me tired. The diabetic one (metaformin) makes my ears ring and my lips tingle and I am not sure which one is giving me serious dry mouth! But the seroquel is seriously making me tired. I am like a walking zombie all day. I am not sure this is an improvement. LOL My kids are liking it though, they get to get away with everything. They have trashed the house like a tornado hit it and I am just not in the mood to yell about it. LOL So, as far as the kids are concerned, I should stay this way for awhile. LOL

Anybody have any experience with these meds? I sure hope my body adjusts to these things soon, I would like to act a little more human. LOL

Dr Day

2007-01-24T14:54:00.000-08:00

Well, today was Dr day for Logan. (I had an appt too, but I wasn't concerned with mine) Dr did advise we should watch his mood signs, but that he also wanted us to confer with a shrink becuase of my history. It could be just prebubescent hormones and the fact that he is SPOILED, (lol) but it also could be trouble with bipolar. I am very scared for the latter. I don't want Logan to go thru what I have gone thru with this. I know if I had been diagnosed earlier than I was, maybe I could have avoided a lot, but maybe not. I don't like the fact that I am constantly in the dr getting my med coctail adjusted. I don't like the fact that I can't trust my own emotions. I don't like the fact that there will forever be a stigma attached to me because I have a "mood disorder". I don't want that for my kids. I can only hope against hope that it is just hormones. Logan also has the difficulty of a "in and out" birth dad. Hubby is raising him, but Logan idolizes his birth father. But he only calls a few times a year, makes empty promises and basically avoids being a father- until it suites him. Logan has serious anger issues with that I am sure. I would and even being just the ex, I do. I HATE what he does but because of a "court order" he has the right to do it. He pays his child support, so he is "involved". Maybe talking to someone other than me will help Logan. I know he is very conflicted about it.

So, the appointment went rather well. Mine did too. He changed my med again. I am now on Seroquil with Wellbutrin and then for the PCOS he rx'd Metaformin. It is suppose to help with the pain and all. Who knows, hopefully it will work.

Kaleb'isms

2007-01-23T07:44:00.000-08:00

1) Look mom, I'm a chicken - This is as we are trying to get out of the van to go to
school. He threw his cereal onto the van floor and bent over and tried to eat it with his mouth, pecking like a chicken.

2) HA HA HA, I bomb farted- No explanation needed

3) Aw, I am coughing so hard my brains are coming out, see!- This was when he was going to bed and making himself cough so he wouldn't have to stay in bed. I never did see his brains coming out though.....

4) No, the pee pee is going up! -This is the usual reply when I ask if he has to go potty and he doesn't want to go.

5) No kiss, I'm big now - This was to inform me that I am not allowed to give him a kiss when dropping him off at school now. Apparently 4 year olds don't approve of this anymore *sob*

6) Your not here now! -Apparently this is his way of telling me I am bugging him too much and he is ignoring me.

7) Ice Ice now! -This is the request in the car for him to hear Ice Ice Baby from Vanilla Ice. I do not own the cd so playing on demand is impossible. Somehow he feels I can control the xm and make it play what he wants when he wants it.

There are so many more of these, I should really write them all down so that I can show it to his future girlfriends! The picture above is one Kaleb took of himself when he stole my camera from it's bag and decided to play photographer.

Song of the week

2007-01-22T07:29:00.000-08:00

Billy Joel - Pressure

Song pick of the week. I love Billy Joel and this song this week just seemed so perfect. LOL

Don't ask for help you're all alone
PRESSURE
You'll have to answer to your own
PRESSURE
I'm sure you have some cosmic rationalle
But here you are in the ninth,
2 men out and 3 men on
Nowhere to look
But inside where we all respond
to PRESSURE.

Moms HELP- SOS

2007-01-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

SOS- Save our Son!! Oh, I am in desperate need of some guidance. Last night my 11 yr old, Logan, decided to throw the mother of all fits. It was just after 11pm and I went to tell him it was time for bed. He threw a fit. I told him sternly to stay in bed. A few minutes later he was at our door, and Ray then said to go to bed. Logan went BALLSITIC. He started screaming at the top of his lungs in a growl, he started hitting and pinching himself. He was uncontrollable. The more we tried to reason with him, the worse he got until I felt there was nothing left to do but take something away. I decided the thing near and dear to him at the moment was his TIVO card. He fought me the whole time I was trying to get it out. I had to keep pushing him off of me. Then after I was successful with the card and was trying to tell him he wouldn't get it back until he calmed down, he got worse. I closed his door, he kicked the door thru and broke the door frame. Then he said he was going to run away and was trying to get the screen out of his window. I kept telling him to stop and closing the window but as soon as I would move away from it, he would be doing it again because "he would rather run away than be here with me because he hates me forever". OMG. I didn't know what else to do. Finally after about 40 minutes of this I got him into the living room where Ray was trying to talk to him. Ray's solution, fine, walk out the door. Logan in underwear and no shoes, says "fine" and walks out. Ray follows him. I just sat there crying. I am scared out of my mind. I feel helpless. Ray did get him to come back in after about 20 minutes and he did apologize, but I am still fearful. Why throw this kind of fit? He has come close to this kind of fit before, but it never went this far. I dont' know what to do. I don't know if it is the age or if it might be the beginning signs of bipolar. I am terrified.
Please, Please, Please, anyone with advise please help.

A-Z of me- a meme

2007-01-19T13:20:00.000-08:00

I did this because of Prissy Miss

A to Z of Me!

A. Available or Single? Married.
B. Best friend? Heather
C. Cake or pie? oh, the agony... pie
D. Drink of choice? Diet coke (which I have denied myself lately)
E. Essential item? Cell phone/computer.
F. Favorite color? Lavender
G. Gummi bears or worms? Bears,ew to worms.
H. Hometown? hmm, hard one, I have one in TX, one in IL and one in TN- take your pick.
I. Indulgence? satellite programming (tv and computer) and tivo
J. January or February? February.
K. Kids and names? oh my, Logan 11, Tyler (almost)10, Kaity 8, Kaleb 4, Becca 1 1/2
L. Life incomplete without? My family.
M. Marriage date? June 2002
N. Number of Siblings? 2 sisters
O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. (except for when I was pg and then it was oranges)
P. Phobias/fears? holy cow, really name them? insects, heights ( I can't even breathe going over bridges), reptiles, car accidents, anything that can possibly happen to anyone I love... let us just say I have an anxiety disorder and leave it at that....
Q. Favorite Quotation? Staying sane inside insanity - Rocky Horror Picture Show
R. Reason to smile? My Family!
S. Season? Spring- feels like rebirth
T. Tag three people: Don't hate me- Denise, Kat and Mamabee
U. Unknown fact about me: I have been married 3 times and I am bipolar
V. Vegetable you hate: Lima Beans and Brussel Sprouts. EWWWW and cowbrains(cauliflower)
W. Worst habit? avoidance and internalizing everything
X. X-rays I’ve had: Dental, ribs after a car accident, and more but I don't remember why now
Y. Your favorite food? Italian. ooohh, Olive Garden here I come this weekend!!
Z. Zodiac? Virgo, because I am perfect you know.

Ok, I did tag 3. Denise (mental excrements), Kat (no diet coke for mommy) and Mama Bee(the beehive)- Don't hate me!

Many faces of me

2007-01-19T08:02:00.000-08:00

One side mom
One side wife
One side sister
One side friend
One side bipolar
One side sane
All sides different but
all sides hide the same. What face will
I wear today? What face
will hide in shame?

Art and Life

2007-01-16T19:52:00.000-08:00

Bowling for Soup - High School Never Ends

I LOVE this band! Bowling for Soup is just so funny!

I thought I would share a favorite of mine because the lyrics to this song is SOOOOO true!!

High School Never Ends

4 years you think for sure, thats all you've got to endure.
All the total.. all the stuck up chicks, so superficial so immature
Then when you graduate, you take a look around and you say "hey wait"
This is the same from where I just came from I thought it was over,
well thats just great!

The whole damn world is just as obsessed with who's the best dressed
and who's having sex, who's got the money, who gets the money, who
gets the honey, who's kinda cute and who's just a mess.

You still don't have the right look and you don't have the right friends.
Nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends.... High School
Never Ends........

Reese Witherspoon is the prom queen, Bill Gates captain of the chess team,
Jack Black the clown, Brad Pitt the quarterback. I've seen it all before,
I want my money back!!!......

Do you see the art imitating life here? This song is just so true!!! LOL I still
feel the same feelings as I did in high school about not being good enough or
popular enough. It is amazing that when you are in high school you are sure
it will end one day and then you get into the "real" world and you realize NOTHING
has changed..

Leaves for dinner

2007-01-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

Does this look appetizing to you? This is what I have been reduced to. I am eating leaves and mush. LOL Just kidding. It is a salad and fish. I guess really, it doesn't taste too bad, I am just having a hard time getting over the look of the salad. It looks like leaves. As long as it works, right? That is all that matters. Occasionally I do get to substitute the fish for chicken or tuna. Talk about variety!!! I am such a boring eater, that when dieting, I find I have to eat the same thing day after day after day. I hate so many foods that it is a wonder how I got fat.

So, since the 1st, I have lost almost 15lbs!!! YAY. I still don't see a change, but I am hoping I will soon. Along with my leaves and mush, I am drinking gallons of water a day. I do sometimes feel like I will float away, but again, if it works..... I am also using a diet suppliment, Slimquick, that is geared for women. I guess it is helping. I really don't have an appetite and it does give me some energy. So, we will see...

Only other news to report is that hubby has taken a CLUE! He has started helping around the house. I couldn't be happier! (I just hope it lasts! LOL)

Some News

2007-01-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

Well, my blood tests came back. I have PCOS. (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). My
tests came back that my testosterone were very high. And after looking at the
PCOS website, I found MANY symptoms that I have had for years. Now, things
are really making sense. So, treatment is the birth control pills for now. If after a month
I don't see some improvement in some areas (weight loss, pain) then they will put me on
some diabetes medicine. There is no cure for PCOS, just things to do to minimize the
effects from it. I am not glad that I have it, but I am glad to know that all these things
I have been complaining about (pain,weight gain even though I am dieting, high blood pressure,
high cholesterol, and many more from that list) are not illusions of my mind.

The only thing that really is ironic is that I had my TUBES TIED after I had Becca and NOW
I have to take birth control pills. I just can't help but laugh.

I have stuck to my "diet" all this week (so far). I am anxious to see if I have lost any weight, but
I do feel better about myself that I have had very good self control. I have exercised too this week, not enough, but it has been a concentrated effort.

Fun day with a capital F(blank blank blank )!

2007-01-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

Did you get my sarcasim there? LOL Ok, it wasn't that bad, but I wouldn't claim it to be fun. Today was full of running around. I had to take Kaleb to school, and then pick him up at 11. We went to Franklin to go to my OB/GYN. Yup, it is that time of year (HELL NO I AM NOT PREGNANT), the annual invasion! UGH, I kept rescheduling, but they finally yelled at me to come in. So, I went, with Kaleb AND Becca. I thought for sure I would be yelling at Kaleb to stay away from my hoo hoo and Becca sitting on my stomache while Dr was invading me. I was pleasantly surprised that they stayed in a chair beside me most of the time ( I did have to tell Kaleb to stay away once, I probably have scarred this boy for life). Well, Dr gave me lots of options for the endometriosis, none of which were particuarly helpful. Most resonable treatments were for the bleeding only, not the cramping. My biggest problem is the cramping. I cramp (really, really bad ones) for 2 weeks straight. So, I am too young for a hysterectomy and the others aren't really solutions (one was burning my uterus lining). The ONLY option left. Birth control pills. DAMN, why did I have my tubes tied? I tried BC over a year ago, but they just screwed up my body more. This one is called YAZ. I hope to hell it works better this time. She is also testing me for a hormone disorder since I can't seem to lose weight and things like that.

Well, it is National De Lurking week!! Come on, you can comment, I won't bite....... hard.

Jump Start!!!

2007-01-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like the flu to jumpstart a diet!!! Due to my illness, I had lost 5lbs. That was enough motivation for me!! Since then, I have restricted my calories, added water and cut out junk food (omg, did I really? yes, I bought NO ice cream this week) and (GULP) I stopped drinking diet coke and I have lost an additional 5lbs. I am *trying* to add exercise into this mix. That is my hardest task. I have many excuses for not doing it, but I am going to do my hardest to get it fit in. I have started moving more during the day, and I know that helps, but I want REAL results.
I have gained so much weight having these kids that I am at serious risk for a heart attack or stroke. I am only 33 years old!! That scares me to death. I also have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. These 2 factors with being overweight really put my ticker to the test.

So, here I am, professing my FIRST goal. I want to be reasonable and realistic. If I say
I want to lose 100lbs by such and such date, I am SURE I will fail. That task is just to
overwhelming (atleast to me). So, my FIRST goal is to lose about 35lbs before I go to
Florida in the end of March. (and no, the 10 I have alreay lost, does NOT count LOL)
I am going to give it everything I can this time, I am tired of failing.

So, any success stories or words of encouragement will be GREATLY appreciated!

And THANK YOU to all of you that gave me ideas on how to fix my laundry
situation. I did make a dent in it this weekend and it looks like all this week I will
be working on it too. My next project is to go thru the kids rooms (with them) and
itemize what clothes they REALLY want and need. Apparently they have too
many clothes for their own good and maybe they don't need as much.

Mom on strike!!

2007-01-05T08:58:00.000-08:00

MOM IS ON STRIKE!!!!!

Believe it or not this is NOT months worth of laundry accumulated. This is the matter of just over a week. I have been sick and have not been able to do anything for the last week. I know I have 5 growing kids, but really, do you THINK they wore this many clothes in a week???

This is the ongoing problem of kids who, when cleaning their rooms, decide to throw any and all clothes they can find into the laundry area.

I would stake my life that 75% of this is from clothes that have been thrown out of drawer while looking for something to wear and from past clean clothes that were left on the dresser, knocked onto the floor and instead of being put away, they got put in the laundry area.

This is an ongoing problem in my house. I have no ideas on how to fix this. Any imput would be greatly appreciated. In the past, I have given them the responsibility to fold and put their own clothes away. This is a practice I still use. I thought it would teach them about how much work it took to finish their laundry. They aren't getting it, obviously. One of the gulity kids has been caught red handed doing this (ie clue when his FOLDED clothes were ending up in the laundry) and a punishment was to put ALL the clean clothes from his basket on his body to wear for a set amount of time while at home. He found it funny that he had on 6 shirts, 4 pairs of pants and 3 pairs of socks. That punishment didn't work either.

So, any of you out there have this problem? If so, how are you correcting it?

I want to go on strike, but I fear that if I do, the laundry will overtake us and carry us away!!!

Resentment

2007-01-04T07:03:00.000-08:00

I am filled with resentment. I don't want to be, but I am and it is towards my husband. Overall, I guess he is an ok husband BUT there is one area that drives me crazy. He won't help around the house unless I pitch a fit. I don't want to pitch a fit each and every time. Does he not realize that I need help when I have let the house go so much? He feels when I ask "him" to help, he has the kids do it and that drives me even more crazy. They are not slave labor. They do need to help, but they don't need to do everything.

So, I have the flu. I am a dead woman walking. The last 2 (today makes 3) days I can't even sit upright without feeling like I am going to pass out. I am running a fever and I am just plain SICK.
He wasn't home for the 1st day of my sickness, so nothing he could do there. But yesterday, he is
home. Did he lift ONE finger to help around the house? NOPE. When he left for work lastnight the house was in more dissaray than when he came home. He did, however, run to the gas station to get me some soup and tea. That he did do. But, when he went to make me soup he made the comment "you are getting the last clean spoon". Did it take me SPELLING IT OUT that he needed to do dishes??? Obviously it did, because he did not even make an ATTEMPT at them. He left them all.

Does he feel that because he works outside of the home that he doesn't have to help. He is always telling me that "he doesn't live here, he just sleeps here". Well I am sorry, but his ass also makes a mess here and correct me if I am wrong, but I thought we were partners in this marriage. Partners as in he would help me in the house and with the kids too!! It is bad enough when he doesn't help when I am well, but when I am the living dead it would be nice to have
some help. I have abstained from sex now for almost 2 months. I have so much resentment built up that I can't have him even touch me. I have TOLD him about this, so it is not just something that is out of the blue. He just refuses to hear me. Well, maybe it is time for another talk because this is how my last marriage failed. I had too much resentment.

I am just beyond frustrated and don't know what else to do.

New Resolutions?

2007-01-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

So, why is it every year I make the same resolutions? And it never fails, that I do not complete a one. It is always "lose weight, be more patient, get organized... blah, blah , blah". I don't ever seem to keep a resolution. Why? Am I lazy? Maybe. Am I undisciplined? I guess so. Do I feel that these resolutions are just empty promises since I don't feel I owe myself or hold myself accountable. Probably. So, this year? I make no resolutions. Why should one day a year be filled with the desire to change what you don't like about yourself? Shouldn't everyday be a journey into self discovery and improvement? So, this year, I make no promises because I am just going to live day to day and change or love what I can about myself each and every day for the rest of my life. And if I fail, well I just start over on the next day. Each day will be a new journey to me and there will be no failure because there was no "resolution" made.

2006 was a quick year it seemed. It flew by so fast. I thought it was a first year of freedom from my inlaws, but really it was a relocation to new problems with them. It did get better in the effect that I don't have to see them everyday now, but it is worse now because they feel they can run all over me more.

2006 brought some heartache here at the end. We have discovered that my aunt has lung and liver cancer. She is an alcoholic and chain smoker and she is still doing those things even though she should stop. It infuriates me. She says she wants to kick the cancer and "Live" but to her
living is smoking and drinking. I am there to hold her hand and trying not to judge, but it kills me that she isn't getting the hint. BTW, my grandpa, her dad, also died of lung cancer from smoking.

So, here is to a good 2007! I am making no promises to myself, but I am hoping to enjoy this year and tackle any problems that may come my way.

Happy 2007 to YOU!!!

Bumper Tales

2006-12-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

So, I am driving my kids to school this morning and we are coming up behind an Isuzu Trooper. All of a sudden, the kids start giggling. I start looking around and I find what they are giggling and whispering about. It is a bumper decal, not on the bumper though, high on the back windshield. "Assholes Litter". Nice. Now I have to warn and scold (for one had already repeated it) that it isn't proper to talk that way. Not that I don't agree with the person in front of me, but it isn't something I want my kids to read and or repeat. Was it really needed to have a LARGE decal display in the window to get the point across? Just as I was about to repeat my scolding and that yes I agree, you shouldn't litter, the back of my van started a round of laughter again. Just as we were about to go thru a light, the very vocal advocate for no littering decided to turn a corner and THROW A DRINK CUP OUT OF THE VEHICLE. Guess my kids got the irony of it because they didn't quit laughing until we got to school.

Maybe the Isuzu should get a new bumper decal "Do as I say, not as I do!"

What I have/have not done!

2006-12-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, Denise did is, so OFCOURSE, I had to do it!

Things in bold I have done, in red what I want to do.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken- so far....
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror- and oh how I wanted to!!
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge -waaaayyyy to scared of bridges!!!
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds (close to it)
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

I never claimed to have an adventerous life! I do believe, looking at this, I am a bit sheltered!

I would love to see your answers! Let me know if you do this meme!

Men....... a rant

2006-12-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

So, do I have Superhero or Superhuman stamped somewhere on my body that I am not aware of?
I don't believe I do and I am sure I don't have a cape or a super suit hidden anywhere. So then why does my husband feel that I can do everything? More importantly, why does he feel that I SHOULD do everything?

I am very busy at work right now. Very busy doesn't even BEGIN to cut it. It is holiday season and we design HOLIDAY CARDS. Doesn't take a genius to realize that we will be busy. I even had a conversation with this man BEFORE holiday season started to implore how important it was that he help around the house because I would be extremely busy. So what happens? We get into a huge fight because he won't help. He feel's he is helping (according to him) but when dishes aren't getting done, laundry isn't getting done, and basically the house looks like a tornado hit it, he ISN'T HELPING. Then to make matters worse, when I ask him to do something, he balks, makes a joke and then ignores the request. And HE is mad that I am mad? Are you kidding me?

So, I am working nearly non stop (yes it is at home, so I get to work all the odd hours too) and my kids have been off and on sick now for a month. He is not home but on the weekends and one day during the week. He feels ENTITILED to sit on his ass and watch tv during those times. And he is mad that I think he should help. WTF? Really, did I sign up to take care of a 6th child? I don't believe I did. I am quite sure I had my tubes tied at 5. In fact, I have even gone on strike against sex. I have no energy for it, no desire. Where would I get desire? Because he sits on his ass while I am trying to kill myself with keeping up with everything? Yeah, that is attractive. Or how about when he moans and groans because he has to make his own sandwiches for work. Yeah, I just want to tear the clothes off then.

How is it that he doesn't pick up on clues? No sex because no HELP. Bitchy mom because NO HELP. Mom complains that there is NO HELP and yet, it still goes unnoticed. He just gets an attitude and claims it is because I am in a bad mood. HELLO??? Buy a clue will ya. Why would I be in a bad mood?

I am about at my wits end. I don't even want to take his phone calls. I do, but then I get aggrevated quickly into the call. I have nothing to say to him and he would rather have us sit on the phone with dead air than to hang up. Yes, because I have all the time in the world just to sit on the phone and listen to dead air. I am superhuman remember? I can do everything.

Happy Birthday Baby!

2006-12-06T18:09:00.000-08:00

I can't believe my oldest baby is now 11! Yes, you heard me right, he is 11. Oh how the years have flown by. It seems just like yesterday..... My pregnacy didn't go exactly as planned. In the 7th month I started having contractions and dialating. I was a 4 before they could get my contractions to slow down. They never did stop, but I was able to continue the pregancy thru the 8th month. Then while doing my "practicing" pushes with the nurse (the dr was across the street and not at the hospital yet) she screams "STOP". Huh? Apparently my beautiful boy had crowned and the dr was not here yet. So, she tells me to wait (thank you epidural!). So, I do, making conversation. Then more nurses enter the room, anestesiaologists enter the room, actually come to think about it, I had many people stand in my room waiting with me for the dr. I mean a wall full of onlookers and here I am, legs up in stirrups trying not to push. So, 5 minutes go by, no dr. The jokes start coming from my onlookers. "Whatever you do, don't make her sneeze!" said one. "And don't laugh, for heaven's sakes, don't laugh" said another. "Pant like a dog" said the nurse. I smile. "No" she said, "Really, pant like a dog, it will help you to not push". Huh? Yes, so I had to sit there, with a wall full of people watching me, legs up in stirrups and my hoochie flashing everyone, panting like a dog. 10 minutes now have gone by. Dr finally walks in. Which was good, because I am telling ya, I wasn't enjoying myself, I was starting to feel like a freak show. I was about to make my husband (at the time) start charging admission. Well, 2 pushes later, Logan Arthur was born. 7lbs 3 oz. He was a pretty easy baby really. His toddler years were a trial. At 3 he insisted that I not pick his clothes out anymore. He was moody starting at 5. He has been obstinate since 8. He is growing into a very headstrong man. Not that it is really a bad thing, but it sure does give me a run for my money. He is almost taller than me (not that I am hard to beat at 5'2) and his feet grow so much I have to replace shoes every 6 months. He knows what he wants and does nearly anything to get it. He is growing up so fast!

Happy Birthday Logan. I love you.

It's Official...

2006-11-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

I am sick. I have been fighting a fever now for 4 days. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it hurts to breathe. I have bronchitus. Yup, lucky me. Am I shocked? Not in the least. We have spent so much time and money at the dr in the last 2 weeks that I am sure I have paid my
dr's mortgage for the month. No kidding. Remember, I have 5 kids. All but 1, yes you heard me, 1, have been in and out of the dr. Now I had to go.

You would think that my MIL who SAYS she wants to help out would take pity on me and keep my kids for me tonight. She saw me today. She saw that I look like death warmed over and she heard my non existant voice. She also talked to my husband who told her I was sick. Do you think she could get a hint and OFFER to keep the kids tonight? Nope. Not her. 2 of them did opt to stay with her becuase they harrassed her, but the other are home with me. My oldest asked her if he could stay too, and get this, she said NO. She had "too much to do" to worry with the oldest around. Uh, huh. Thanks, I appreciate it.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but damn, she goes on and on about how she wants to "help" while she is down here and she gets the opportunities and she shits all over them!!! It is almost like she does this on purpose. For instance, 2 years ago during Christmas I had pnemonia. Did she help then? HELL NO, infact she went a step further and had her husbands son and his family down and made ME, yes you heard me again ME, entertain them.

I don't know, maybe I am just whining because I haven't had any sleep in 5 days and I feel like death.

We aren't doing much for Thanksgiving. Honostly, I am not feeling up to doing much about it right now anyway. Maybe I could just sleep this week away and wake up next week healthy!

Are you serious!?!

2006-11-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, I will first disclaim that I am NOT an OJ fan. I remember the day when his trial was over for the murders. I was in shock!! I do believe he did it... there I said it. But, I wasn't on the jury, so my opinion didn't really matter and I went on with my life.

Now he goes and writes a book! Not just any book, no. It had to be "If I did it, here's how it happened". Are you frigging kidding me????? He proclaims his innocence, raises his
and Nicole's children and then writes a book on how "If" he killed their mother, this is
how it would have happened!!!! NOW, I am in shock. How on earth did this man think this book was a good idea? Not only does it show him to be profoundly stupid, but how uncaring about his
children! How obscene that the victims families could be put thru this.

This is one book that I will surely NEVER buy. There is now way I would put more money into the pocket of a crude idiot like this. I think I will find out if there are still funds available to the victims families and see about making a donation there.

Congratulation's Mr. Simpson, you are officially the dumbest man in the world!

Encore.......Please?

2006-11-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

I never said I wanted an encore. Our family would have been just FINE without a repeat performance of....... STREP. Yes, it is here again, and apparently not wanting to leave. My poor Kaity has been struck again (within a month) and this time she has had a fever for over a week. The dr has changed her antibiotic and if she still has a fever tomorrow it is back to the dr we go! UGH. Not only do we have Strep in the house, but we have her sister Bronchitus (two younger boys have this one) and her cousin the Rotovirus(hubby, me and Becca). The only member of my household that has been saved from an epidemic is Logan. How he escaped? I am not sure, he has been delving into magic tricks lately, so maybe he pulled a Houdini on it? I think he needs to teach the rest of us his tricks because in the last week alone I have been to the dr's office 3 times (which is 1 hour away from my house) and I have been to the pharmacy 5 times (they conveniently could not get my rx's filled all at once) and I am exhausted from the poor things that are up all night sick.

On a positive note, my oldest got his glasses this week too. Doesn't he look handsome???

Hmmmm

2006-11-06T08:55:00.000-08:00

Do they look scary or what?? LOL 2 vampires, a witch (she refused to wear the hat), a ballerina fairy and a baseball player.

Thank you to those that calmed my fears on Becca's lack of speech. I think I am a little paranoid since it turned out Kaleb has some developmental delays after I was insistant for the first 3 1/2 years that he was fine.

I have been racking my brain trying to come up with something funny or
upbeat to talk about. I can't seem to do it. I don't feel like I am depressed, but
nothing right now seems funny for upbeat. The days just seem to plow along nothing spectacular is happening.

The only other thing I can possibly try to talk about is that my mother in law is in town for a month. Yes, you heard me, I said a month. She lives next door and commutes from Michigan every other month. We don't have the best of relationships. At one point, she threatened to kill me. I tend to refelct on that when I see her. Call me crazy, but I didn't take that as an idle threat. We are pleasant enough right now. I try to avoid her at all costs. She actually offered to cook Thanksgiving this year. I was floored. I always cook it. Now she is hinting at Ray that if I really wanted to cook it, I could. AKA she really doesn't want to do it. LOL Why did she offer then?? I took her up on it and you know what, I think I will continue to let her cook it. I will cook Christmas dinner, that is only fair right? Well, I think it is anyway. LOL

So, as you can see my life is a tad boring right now.

Mute?

2006-10-30T18:16:00.000-08:00

So, now my precious angel, Becca, is now 18 months old. She does not speak. I thought by now she would start talking. Kaity, my older angel, refused to speak at a young age, but she COULD speak. She just chose not to. She had words, I heard them...occasionally. Now, Becca, understands when you speak to her. She understands commands. She can hear. So, why doesn't she speak? She barely says mama and usually it is when she is crying. The only other intelligable word is "that" and that is barely clear. Everything is "that". She points, grunts and cry's. At what point do I become scared? I am there. Should I be? I have always been one to say "don't worry, kids do things at different times" but I see other 18 month olds and remember my older kids then and they were gabbing away. She doesn't seem to be behind in any other manner. Am I over paranoid because Kaleb is a touch slow and needs help with is communication? He has always been able to talk, but has trouble understanding.

So, if you were me, what would you do? Start process to have her tested and maybe go into speech therapy? Or is it too soon to worry?

Thursday Thirteen #13

2006-10-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you DENISE for this great TT banner!

Thirteen of my favorite foods!

1) Cannaloni - from Olive Garden. Oh, I rarely ever get this, but I LOVE it.

2) Mushroom Swiss burger- I am not a huge burger lover, but I adore Dary Queen's mushroom swiss burger.

3) Chili- I am a southern girl and LOVE my 7 alarm chili. Too bad a few of my kids aren't fans.

4) Chicken and Broccoli - this is a Chinese food I adore!

5) Pancho's- Ok, this is a mexican resturant in Texas that I use to frequent regularly. I WISH they had it here. I adored nearly everything there so it wouldn't be fair to just pick one.

6) Chicken and Rice- homemade chicken and rice always hits the spot!

7) Salad - very trite, I know. But I do love a good salad. Preferably with chicken and with a balsamic vinegarette dressing.

8) Chicken Pesto Pizza- From Schlotsky's. OHH, I also don't get this very often but I adore it when I can.

9) Peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches - weird, I know. But I love peanut butter.

10) Peanut butter on waffles with syrup and bananas- Don't question, just try it!!

11) Beef stroganoff- NOT hamburger helper. This would be my grandma's dish made with real beef steak and sour cream. YUM.

12) Shephards pie- mixture of beef, veggies, tomato sauce topped with mashed potato's. This is (mostly) a family fav!

13) Ok, you knew it was coming...... CHOCOLATE. Anything chocolate really. Mint chocolate, chocoate ice cream, cakes candy......

Where am I?

2006-10-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

Last night it occured to me that I am lost. I have lost me. Since becoming a wife and a mother I have put everyone's elses needs first. I forget to eat, I rarely get to take a bath and I lose sleep. I am waking up each day with the thought "Ok, how can I get to the end of this day." I know I use to take care of myself. I can't remember what I did or exactly when it was, but I have the strong feeling I use to do it. I know I didn't always wake up with the feeling of being gone. So, now that I realize I am lost, how do I find me? All my energy is still bound in raising my kids. Even what is now my job of being a wife and a mother is starting to dwindle. I use to cook. I use to keep a perfectly clean house. I use to have energy to tackle every question my kids threw at me. Now, again, I am going thru the motions just to get thru the day. I don't cook as much as I use to and certainly without the variety I use to. I can't even remember now what I use to enjoy cooking. My house is a tornado alley. I know I have 5 kids so it is an impossible dream that my house be immaculate always, but I would prefer it to not look so cluttered or like a tornado has passed thru it.

So, I am lost. Where am I and how do I get myself back? I guess that is the big question. Surely I am here somewhere underneath the shell of a woman I was. I am not being hard on myself really, I just really want to find me again. So, what steps are needed to find me? I am not sure. I intend to find out though. I know I am here somewhere.

Oh

2006-10-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have totally been avoiding my blog. It isn't my fault.... really. I have had the stomache flu. I tell you there is nothing worse than that. I was delusioned to think that it was the 24 hour kind. Nuh uh not mine. Somebody brought me one that takes FOREVER to get over. First you feel bad. Worn out. Stomache is cramping (you are feeling my pain aren't you?). Then it gets a little better and you think, well, that wasn't so bad. You wake up the next day and you are heaving your guts OUT. 9 hours later you stop and just feel plain rotten. Ok, so now you think it is over. WRONG. You wake up the next day again and you heave worse than the day before. Oh, just kill me now. I stayed in bed all day that day. Thankfully hubby was home that day or my kids would have been able to run all over me! So, today, I feel a little better. I am back among the living atleast. I still can't eat but I am atleast walking around.

Tell me, what superbug is out there that loves me so much to linger in my body? I am not that loveable..... really. I should be a terrible host for this bug. BUG BE GONE. I just hope the kids don't get this. I can see this bug making full circles in this house. Lysol, you are my best friend right now. KILL THE BUG!!

Thursday Thirteen #12

2006-10-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

Thank you Denise for this great TT banner!
Thirteen Reasons I need Calgon to take me away!

1. Money - I hate living paycheck to paycheck and with another birthday and Christmas coming up, this is extremely stressful. I honosly don't know where my money is going. Well other than
trying to feed 5 kids each day!

2. Logan- For the constant arguing. Everything is an arguement now. If I said the sky was blue he would argue with me that it wasn't.

3. Tyler - For the 6 am talks. I just can not talk that early in the am and boy can he talk!

4. Kaity - For her endless questions. She is becoming smarter than me and I just don't know how to answer her anymore.

5. Kaleb- For his agression to his sister. He plays so rough.

6. Becca- For wanting to be held 24/7. I love to hold her, but man my arms can only handle so much!

7. Hubby- For is constant "ideas" and never following thru with them.

8. In laws- MIL just left from her month long stay and will be back in another month.

9. Van- Don't ya just love van problems? Mine likes to short out.

10. House- The constant mess that is always around my house. I have lost the energy to try to keep up with it.

11.Weight- Constant battle and I am LOSING. (not in the good way, I mean I am gaining instead of losing weight)

12. Sex- I don't want it anymore. (Very personal I know) I feel bad for the hubby but I just can't do it now.

13. Energy - I just don't have any energy anymore.

Need Motivation

2006-10-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have been saying I am dieting for about a million years now. It is not working. I do good for about a week and then I slack for a long period of time. My brainstorms on what I am going to do to lose weight come when I am trying to go to sleep. I have tons of motivation and resolve at midnight, but then 6 am rolls around and I am mush again. I eat everything in site and I feel terrible about it. I say I feel terrible, and I do, but apparently not terrible enough to stick the "plan" I had the night before.

I am at a loss and not sure what to do. Losing weight when I was younger was so easy. So, I am not able to lose this weight because a) my age (yes 33 is apparently old now) b)I have 5 kids that want to eat out alot c) I have no willpower d) all the above.
I would have to say D. I know I work from home and I try not to buy crappy foods, but even that doesn't seem to work. I can't get off my dead ass because I blame the pain in my feet and heels. (I have had heel pain for about a month now and not sure why).

So, anyone have any words of wisdom? Anthing that can get me motivated? What is your motivation? I would love to know because I am about to resolve to diet pills like
Trimspa to help me. If Anna Nicole could lose the weight, maybe I can too!

HELP!!

$900 Field trip?

2006-09-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

Well, this is a first for me. My 5th grader brought home a field trip form. $900 for a trip to New York. Huh? He is in 5th grade and I don't just have $900 just lying around.
Logan is begging me to let him go. Now, I have not even been to New York and when I went to school it was only the Seniors that went out of state for a class trip. Maybe I am just too old, but I don't see how I could send (even if I did have the money) my 5th grader to another state, with a man I don't know and feel good about his "experience". I usually let the kids do all the field trips, but this time I think I will have to say no. He is sullen and moody now saying he will be the only one not going. So, on top of being shocked that he even brought this home,I have guilt.

Thursday Thirteen #11

2006-09-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

Thirteen fears

1) Death -not for me, but for the one's I love.

2) Spiders- They love to bite me and I don't know why.

3) Wasps- Also love to sting me. One flew into my house and tried to sting my eye. Talk about some screaming!

4) Heights - oh, I am terrified of heights! Especially bridges.

5) Long drops from the edge of the road - Kinda plays into my heights fear, but it doesn't have to be high. We have deep ditches on the sides of some roads here and I am fearful of the car veering into it and turning over.

6) Car accidents - (didn't see that one coming did you?) Probably attributed to losing loved one's in cars.

7) Snakes - EWWWWWWWW That is all I have to say.

8) Confrontation- I am such a wus. I hate fighting. I will fight with my husband but anyone else and my stomach knots up into a thousand knots.

9) Knives- Ok, this is a deep childhood fear from when my babysitter thought it would be "funny" to chase my sister and I into a closet and pretend to kill us with REAL knives. Um, yeah. Really funny NOT.

10) Not being liked - Ok, come on, You love me, you really love me, right? LOL

11) Change- It is not a huge fear, but it is there. I am not a fan of change, good or bad. It takes me a long time to adjust.

12) Kids getting hurt - I am probably way too overprotective because I have huge fears of them getting hurt.

13) The unkown- Yeah, huge fear here. Not like alien unknown, just in general the "Unkown". I like plans and I don't like not having a plan for everything.

The domino effect

2006-09-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

Oh, will it ever end? With having 5 kids, they bring every virus home. Do you think they would all get sick at the same time so that they could all get well at the same time? NO. We have different viruses for different kids. It is the domino effect. One has strep. So, we watch dilligently for any other signs that someone else is getting sick. One has the stomache bug. This one has been circling our house for weeks now. One gets it, they get well, then another gets it. Hubby has a cold. I have the stomache bug and Aunt Flo (nice, thank you) at the same time. UGH. Now, the baby is running a fever.
Ok, so which does she have? I don't know yet. Since she can't (or won't) talk, it could be a) teething - she does run fevers when she teeth's and she should be getting her I teath anytime now) b) stomache bug - she is moaning and groaning alot or c) strep throat. So if it is a or b, there is no need to go to the dr, but if she does have c I should go immediately so that we can kill this infection quick. So, what is a mom to do? I don't know, I guess I will just have to watch her closely tomorrow am and if she seems to cry alot and she still has the fever, off to the dr we go. When will it be over? Probobly during Christmas break when they are away from school. The domino effect, gets us every time!

Look at me!!!!

2006-09-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

I have been redesigned! Denise at Moodswing Creations did this for me! Isn't it purrrty!!! I am so in love with it, maybe now I will come up with something to say!

Go visit Denise, she is AWESOME!!!

Thursday Thirteen #10

2006-09-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

13 reasons I posted the Thursdsay 13 Late

1) I forgot?? Well, kind of yeah, I have been running a day ahead this week. Don't know why.

2) I deleted my old blog. Yup, couldn't stand paying the money for it.

3) Work - yeah, I have been busy lately. No excuse, though I understand.

4) Kids have me running around.

5) Kaleb keeps beating up Becca and I have to play referee.

6) Sick kids, we have STREP here. BEWARE

7) Did I say I forgot? I can't remember now.

8) I was abducted by aliens. OK, no not really, but sounded good.

9) I have become senile since turning 33. Did I mention I forget things?

10) I had nothing to say. As you can see, I am at a loss for good ideas.

11) I am learning Paint Shop pro and it is kicking my butt!!

12) I don't know how to use blogger yet. It is soooo different from Typepad.

13) Did I mention I forgot?? No, really, did I???

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I have changed!

2006-09-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

So, if anyone might notice, I deleted my other blog. I couldn't take paying $15 a month for my blog when there were many days I had nothing to say.

So, here I am.

One day I might even get it to look right. LOL