SOS part 2

So, things with Logan have been ok lately. There have been a few minor outbursts, but nothing really abnormal. Today was a different story. Tonight is dance class night for Kaity and we will either a) sit in the van for the 45 minutes or b) go to Walmart or a store. Ok, today I was contemplating going to Walmart with the remaining 4 kids. This is not a fun chore. This is adventure is even worse when one or more have "attitudes". When I mentioned going to Logan, he immediatly went into a tirade about wanting to go to Blockbuster. I calmly said I wasn't going to blockbuster today (trips to blockbuster with Kaleb are nightmarish. He runs away from me, runs up and down the isles and I am constantly trying to catch him, hold him and whisper yelling "stop it, no, stand here, wait a second, please stop!". So, I avoid blockbuster when I am alone with the kids) and that I can go tomorrow during school if he lets me know what he wants. This set off an "attitude". He was sullen and argumentative all the way to dance class. It was then and there I decided that I wasn't going to Walmart today (now mind you, I was going for a few work related items, not to buy them anything). He immediatly yells at me and calls me a liar. Ok, so I explain to him why I don't want to go and that is that. Oh, was I so wrong. This led into "everything is because of me, you hate me, you got divorced because of me". WTF? Where the hell did that come from? I have had numerous conversations with him about the divorce from his father and it was made quite clear that it was not their fault, it was just because he and I couldn't get along. Now, also realize, I have been divorced from this man for over 6 years. So, now, as I am trying to reassure him that he is not the reason, he just keeps muttering that it is his fault. He won't listen to reason. He is again sullen and arguementative. So, the other kids are in the van playing and I decide just to ignore Logan's mood because a) it isn't doing me any good to try and reason with him and b) I kinda feel like he is manipulating me. So, then Tyler accidentally bumps his elbow, because in the front seat chair, Logan is hanging on the side. I ask him to lean the other way so that there is room for everyone else and he starts in saying "well it is a free country and I can get out instead of staying here". I advise him not to do it, but he gets out and slams the door. He walks across the parking lot and enters the building where the dance studio is. I know he is waiting for me to come and get him. I didn't. I know he is safe because he is in the building, but I was still wondering how far was he going to go with this. Was he going to go out another door and try to run up the roads in town? Was he going to sit there all night until I came in to get him? What was he planning? Tyler is talking my ear off telling me that he is in big trouble. The other two are playing well enough and I am lost in my thoughts and fuming as well. So, I keep a watch on the building to make sure he doesn't try to make a run for it and I hear Tyler telling me the "story" of what Logan said happenend another time. Which was true, a few weeks ago he did run outside in his underwear and try to run away from home. Tyler was in shock, he thought Logan was lying (Tyler and Kaity were at their grandparents that night). I said no, he did it and dad went after him. He said oh, and Logan said you were sitting at the computer crying. Yes, I said, I was. Now, since they weren't there, and Ray and I haven't talked about it openly with the kids, was Logan bragging about it? This made me wonder, again, if I wasn't being manipulated. We have already seen the regular dr and he said it could be a) hormones b) a mood disorder or c) just him acting out. So we have a pdoc appt later in the month of February. Now, mind you, Logan has already said a) that he won't go or b) if he does go, he won't talk because this will just make him madder.

Finally, the dance class is over and Logan has been in the building now for 25 minutes. They both come out to the van. He gets in. I decide to remain very calm. I wasn't going to blow my top. I asked him, did he think about the consequences of his action? He said yea, he did, but he didn't care, he knew he would be in big trouble. So, some more silence and I go to order dinner. He says he isn't eating because "he didn't deserve it". I ordered him food anyway and about 15 minutes later, he reluctantly eats it. About 1/2 way home, he does apologize (without any promting from me) and I thank him. I asked him to please reconsider this method of acting out again, as it really does upset me. I advise him that I am grounding him from tv and he has to go bed early because of this act tonight. He says ok. I advised him that if he gave me grief about his punishment tonight, that his grounding would go on past today.

Now, I still feel like a failure. I don't know what instinct right now to trust. I am scared out of my mind. He is only 11, what happens when he really turns into a teenager? Could he have my mood disorder or is he just angry at the world right now? Could he not have gotten over the divorce or is he just mad because his dad hasn't called in over a month? I am so torn. I don't know what to do. I feel that anything I try to do is going to be wrong. I am so afraid of him taking this further and really running away. But what if he is just manipulating me and using my fears and guilt against me? What then? I can't stop being afraid of what he might do and I can't stop feeling guilty over things that have happened. Oh, I just don't know what to do. I just pray that I can get thru to him.