mind.... full??

Ok, so yeah, I have been absent for awhile. Quite awhile really. I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around anything and yet my mind always seems full.

I have so much running around up there that I have blinding headaches every single day.
I can't escape them. I am tired of them.

What is troubling me? You know, I wish I could pinpoint one thing. First, I just can't seem
to get past Peg dying. I am still devistated. I can't stop thinking of things I wished I had
done differently and I can't stop wishing that she is still really here. My mind just won't
wrap around this. Everyday I wake up and think "was it all just a bad dream?" I refused
to say goodbye to her at the funeral. I did not walk up to the coffin during the wake. I
couldn't. I sat in the very last seat of the very last row and just cried. I could not bring
myself to do it. At the grave site, I did walk past the coffin, while saying my condolences
to my cousins, and touched it slightly. But my hand only lasted there for a second, lifting
it like my hand was burned and I thought "I love you" and that was all. No goodbye, never
goodbye.

Logan is giving me difficulty. He is testing me on a regular basis. He is really wearing me out.
His birth father is also giving me the runaround and I am really tired of it. He is lying about
is child support (saying he sent it when he didn't) and I am about to be forced to go to
court over this. It is not something I want, but he is leaving me with no choice. ALL I asked
was that he be honost with me about it and he couldn't do that. Now, I am going to have to
start playing hardball and being the bad guy (guess I should be use to that though.)

Then my mil is in town again. Just when I think things have calmed down between us,
she exerts her passive agressive controlling behavior and I get pissed all over again. And it
does me NO good to complain, because nothing ever changes. I can fight and fight and fight
and in the end, I always lose. I should just come to terms with the fact that SHE is going to
by Tyler's mother and I have no say in it. She has spoiled and coddled the child so much that
we will never have him back. Her playing favorites has ruined any chance of her having
a good relationship with Logan. Kaity is only slightly fased right now, but she even has been
spending less and less time with my mil when she is here. And the younger 2, already Kaleb
can sense that he is not favored among them. Whenever it is just him and my mil, they are
fine, but add Tyler to the mix and he insists (or is talked into) coming home. And Becca,
forget about it, if she sees her any in a month she is here, it is amazing. Becca cares less
than any of the others. So, I have no idea where to even go from here. All that I can do
know is keep bottling it up because yelling, fighting and complaining has only gotten me
a strained marriage. I am losing my will to fight and even if I did, the process is so far
gone now that all I will get in the end is heartache.

I am still paranoid about the "other woman". I tried to talk about it but all I got was some
rolled eyes and it put me in a funk that whole next day. Again, I guess it is just something I
will have to deal with internally. Apparently we are all talked out and I guess the limitation has expired on how muchl longer I can feel ill at ease without some negative feedback. We did change our phone numbers, but she still has the email address and, you
know, really, will I ever feel comfortable again? Will I ever feel like things can be normal again?
I don't know. I really don't.

I guess I am just in a funk. A real deep funk. I really don't have much to say in the blogesphere
or in life. I just am for now in nothingness. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe someday I will get out of it. I am
trying, but I just can't seem to do it.

So, if I don't write again for awhile, you now know why.

"Stress has taken over..... Missi will return in awhile."