In the process of loss

I am crying as I write this, so please, exuse any typo's or run on sentences.

The last few days have been nightmarish. My aunt Peg, who we thought was beating cancer, has
now been given a few days to a few weeks to live. I talked to her on the phone, just over a week
ago, and she was fine. She was doing radiation. She was upbeat, feeling sure she was beating the cancer. She was laughing and joking.

Then, I get a call Wednesday night. Peg isn't doing so well, they have had to take her into the hospital. Maybe it's dehydration. She has had these issues before. Well my other aunt, the one who called me lives in another state and was wanting me to find out more. She wasn't sure of the details. It was too late to call any one that night, so on Thursday morning I called Peg's cell phone. Her older son answers. The news isn't good. Yes, she is in the hospital. No, it doesn't look good. The dr on call gave the grim news of imminent death.

I rush to the hospital. Cursing that it will take 1 1/2 hrs to get there. I run in and she is lying
on the bed. She is without hair. She is listless. She looks at me, but only with a glazed stare. She trys to speak and all it is is mubmling that you can't understand. She fades in and out of sleep. She fades in and out of knowing what is going on around her. I am heartbroken.

I continued to visit her daily thru the weekend. My uncle had hopes that this severe reaction was due to dehydration and that a few days in the hospital will help her. By now, we have no choice but to accept the reality. She is not dehydrated. Her cancer has been progressing and it is killing her. She is losing touch with reality.

I had kept her 10 yr old son with me thru the weekend. Hoping that amongst this that he might get a little break from the hospital. He acted like a kid at my house, and when we went back to the hospital it was like he was in denial of what was happening. My heart is breaking for him.

Right now the word is that she will remain in the hospital until her regular dr (he was on vacation during all of this) gets back on Monday or Tuesday. This will be when they decide if she will stay in the hospital or go home with hospice. To see if there is anything more we can do to preserve or giver her back her quality of life. I am sure the only thing they can do is to keep her comfortable.

I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so full of emotion that I don't know how to express it. I was raised as a sister with Peg (my mom died at an early age and my grandparents took custody). She is only 12yrs older than I. I was her birthday present. (Our birthdays are 4 days apart and my mom jokingly gave me to her as a gift) We look alike. She is the fun, party aunt. She is my confidant. When I was going thru my divorce, she took me and the kids in and helped me thru it.
She has been a rock of friendship and love in my life. How can I let her go now?

I feel so guilty also. She was wild, she drank too much and she did very reckless things with her life. I had gotten to the point that I was embarressed by her actions. Now, all I wish is that I could have her back. Bad traits and all. I want her whole, I want her back. I want her here.

I know it is futile to hope for this. My head tells me that I must wish for her to go so that she can be out of pain. I don't want her in pain. But, God, I am going to miss her so much.

Anybody who prays, please put her in yours. She is leaving behind 3 good kids (2 are adults now) and a whole family of sisters, brothers, mother, neices, nephews, great neices and great nephews, and a grandchild that adore her.

In the trenches

My household is NOT the place to be right now. Since last week we have dealt with strep throat, rotovirus and the stomache flu. The first sign that one is getting better, another on is getting worse. It has even affected me. I am drained, I have recurrant stomache flu from helping all the kids with it. Ray is lucky to have a job that takes him away. He isn't subject to all the sickness and he doesn't have to feel like he is knee deep in vomit and diapers, unlike myself. I think after this epidemic is over, I will have to replace the carpet in my bathroom, all the kids seem to make it to the carpet, but not the toilet. So, hopefully all the Lysol I have been using will start working soon so that we can resume a normal life again. I really think I should buy stock in Lysol, I bet I could make a fortune!

On a really sad note, my aunt Peg has just discovered that the cancer that is in her lung, liver and throat has now spread to her brain. The first dr that gave her the diagnosis was very bleak and gave her 6 months to live. She has since seen another dr who has given her hope that she might be able to overcome it. She has been unable to do Chemotherapy as it has given her terrible bad reactions to it. What chemo she has received has not helped at all anyway, her liver has gotten worse, not better. So, this dr has proposed more radiation. They are going to start the radiation with her head and go from there. The dr feels optomistic because she has not experienced any symptoms, like headaches, from the brain cancer. This prospect is especially scary for our family as my grandpa, her father, had lung cancer that spread to his brain and he died in a relatively short time. Peg is only in her 40's and has a young son still to raise. We just can't lose her yet. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. We are trying to stay optomistic.