Help wanted......

Help wanted... to find my brain
Not sure where I lost it, but I am sure I have
It is not too small, not too big and it is probably white.
If found please rush back to me asap as I am in dire need of it!!

I have seriously lost my mind. In the last month I have:

**left my keys at Kroger and did not realize it until I was in another town
**locked my keys in my house and had to break in to get them (broke my thumb in the process)
**go to walmart for my 1 hour pictures I had sent there only to leave the store with $150 in
other items and no pictures
** make a list for what I need at the grocery store only to leave it on my desk at home
** forget which kids are at home that day and start giving orders to ones that aren't even there

And here is the best one!!!
**go to get my hair cut.... pay for it..... leave, go all the way home (30 min here people) and find out I had LEFT MY WALLET there - so I had to drive back into town to claim it.

LOL - so yeah, anyone out there come across my brain, please let me know..... I am afraid
of what I might leave or not do next.........

mind.... full??

Ok, so yeah, I have been absent for awhile. Quite awhile really. I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around anything and yet my mind always seems full.

I have so much running around up there that I have blinding headaches every single day.
I can't escape them. I am tired of them.

What is troubling me? You know, I wish I could pinpoint one thing. First, I just can't seem
to get past Peg dying. I am still devistated. I can't stop thinking of things I wished I had
done differently and I can't stop wishing that she is still really here. My mind just won't
wrap around this. Everyday I wake up and think "was it all just a bad dream?" I refused
to say goodbye to her at the funeral. I did not walk up to the coffin during the wake. I
couldn't. I sat in the very last seat of the very last row and just cried. I could not bring
myself to do it. At the grave site, I did walk past the coffin, while saying my condolences
to my cousins, and touched it slightly. But my hand only lasted there for a second, lifting
it like my hand was burned and I thought "I love you" and that was all. No goodbye, never
goodbye.

Logan is giving me difficulty. He is testing me on a regular basis. He is really wearing me out.
His birth father is also giving me the runaround and I am really tired of it. He is lying about
is child support (saying he sent it when he didn't) and I am about to be forced to go to
court over this. It is not something I want, but he is leaving me with no choice. ALL I asked
was that he be honost with me about it and he couldn't do that. Now, I am going to have to
start playing hardball and being the bad guy (guess I should be use to that though.)

Then my mil is in town again. Just when I think things have calmed down between us,
she exerts her passive agressive controlling behavior and I get pissed all over again. And it
does me NO good to complain, because nothing ever changes. I can fight and fight and fight
and in the end, I always lose. I should just come to terms with the fact that SHE is going to
by Tyler's mother and I have no say in it. She has spoiled and coddled the child so much that
we will never have him back. Her playing favorites has ruined any chance of her having
a good relationship with Logan. Kaity is only slightly fased right now, but she even has been
spending less and less time with my mil when she is here. And the younger 2, already Kaleb
can sense that he is not favored among them. Whenever it is just him and my mil, they are
fine, but add Tyler to the mix and he insists (or is talked into) coming home. And Becca,
forget about it, if she sees her any in a month she is here, it is amazing. Becca cares less
than any of the others. So, I have no idea where to even go from here. All that I can do
know is keep bottling it up because yelling, fighting and complaining has only gotten me
a strained marriage. I am losing my will to fight and even if I did, the process is so far
gone now that all I will get in the end is heartache.

I am still paranoid about the "other woman". I tried to talk about it but all I got was some
rolled eyes and it put me in a funk that whole next day. Again, I guess it is just something I
will have to deal with internally. Apparently we are all talked out and I guess the limitation has expired on how muchl longer I can feel ill at ease without some negative feedback. We did change our phone numbers, but she still has the email address and, you
know, really, will I ever feel comfortable again? Will I ever feel like things can be normal again?
I don't know. I really don't.

I guess I am just in a funk. A real deep funk. I really don't have much to say in the blogesphere
or in life. I just am for now in nothingness. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe someday I will get out of it. I am
trying, but I just can't seem to do it.

So, if I don't write again for awhile, you now know why.

"Stress has taken over..... Missi will return in awhile."

Thank you

Thank you all for your warm wishes.

I am finally back from hell week. We were up in Illinois most of last week for the funeral.
I am holding up. I still have crying fits and I was a blubbering idiot at the funeral, but
again, I am holding up.

It is hard to get back into the swing of things. My head doesn't want to seem to work
correctly right now. I am getting back to work and the boys have baseball. Maybe by
the end of the day I will have my head screwed on straight.

We did have a nice day on Saturday. We went to the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago. I have second degree burns on my forehead (thanks 2 coats of sunscreen, you did well!! NOT) and am a bit
tired. We meant to be there only 3-4 hours, but you can't be at that zoo for only 3-4 hours,
we stayed a whole 8! THEN we drove the 6 hours down south to my grandma's house to spend the night before the second stretch of the trip home (another 6 hours) But the kids had fun and that is all that matters. I should have pictures soon ( I had forgotten my digital camera and had to pick up a disposable)

The Saturday before Peg died, I had the kids (Becca and Kaleb's) bday party at Chuck E Cheeses. It was fun and a nice day. I will post pictures of them soon too.

Saturday had also been a day of purchasing. Ray's van had broken down on Friday and it is so old and has so many miles that we had decided to buy a new(er) van. I am now the proud owner of a 2004 Mercury Monterey. It is sweet! Automatic opening doors, leather seats, many bells and whistles. I will be in debt now for another 4-5 years, but you know, can't beat the luxery of a new(er) van. It did really well on the long trip up and back to Illinios.

Well, I hope everyone else out there had a good Mother's day. The kids and Ray had given me a nice gold bracelet with all the kids birthstones charms on it. It is really nice.

In Mourning

This beautiful, young, vibrant woman has left our earth. Sunday morning she closed her
eyes and her spirit went with the Angels. She lost her fight with Cancer. I know we
have been preparing for weeks for this day, but it does not make it any easier. I take
solice that she is no longer in pain and she is with my mother, uncle and grandfather. But,
selfishly, I am so upset she is gone. She was more than my aunt. She was my sister, my
confidant and one of my best friends. She was always there when you needed an ear. She
was happy and vibrant and always the life of the party. She has 3 beautiful children she
leaves behind. 2 are grown and they were raised so well that they have turned
into wonderful adults. They inherited her kindness and compassion, 1 is still growing but he is
turning out wonderfully and I know he will endure knowing how much his mother loved
him. She also has a young grandson (pictured above) to whom I know we will all be
sure to let him know how much his grandma loved and cherished him.

It was a running joke in our family that I was Peg's birthday present (I was born 4 days
before her birthday). We have similar features and have been mistaken for sisters instead
of aunt/neice. After my mom died, I lived in my grandma's house with my aunt for awhile
and when we moved back to Texas, I we came back to stay every summer. We were only
11 years apart in age. When she married and had kids and I was going thru my "fun"
teenage years, she took me in each summer. I stayed with her and babysat the kids
and had a blast during those 3 months.

When my marriages failed, it was she who took me in. Especially when my last marriage
failed and I had 2 kids to take care of, she offered me her house, helped me get a job
and really helped me thru one of the worst times in my life. I can only hope I had shown
her my love and appreciation in a way she deserved. I loved her deeply and I will
miss her forever. There really are no words to express how much I love her and
there is no depth to how much I will miss her.

Happy Birthday Prince Boy!!!

Look at this boy, isn't he angelic?? Although you may cause me to raise my voice and repeat things many times, I am so proud of how you are growing up! You were a big surprise in my life and one that was needed. I have held you, rocked you, kissed you and worried over you for 5 years now. You are headstrong and confident. You are fearless and shy at the same time. You are a joy and I am so happy you are my son! I love you baby!!