Update, Er visit and "Just Friends"??

Ok, seriously, usually there is NOT this much drama at my house.

I saw my aunt the other day. She is back at home, and a huge THANK YOU for all the prayers and positive thoughts for us. She is not going into remission or anything, but she was able to hold a conversation. I was able to understand her. That was huge. She is mostly lucid. She did have some hallucinations, but overall the visit went well. The prognosis is still the same, few days to a few weeks, but if she can be more like this, her quality of life would be better toward the end.

After the visit yesterday, my oldest decided he needed an ER visit. He was jumping with a friend and the friend fell on his arm. His left arm. His throwing arm. Well, to be sure it wasn't fractured or anything we spent HOURS in the worst ER ever. Seriously people, we were number 2 to be seen. And it took almost 2 hours before we were. Thankfully he wasn't, say, BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD or anything. So, prognosis is a sprained wrist. He is in a splint for a few days. Whew!

Ok, here is the drama today. I was nosey, I admit it. I have had a nagging feeling and I couldn't shake it. So I became a snoop. I wish I hadn't. I found very disturbing emails between my husband and a "friend". (girl). Now, this is the same "friend" that I had a problem with in January and he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. I guess the operative word is TALK. Apparently email isn't talking. There were erotic emails. VERY erotic emails. What was more disturbing was the "I love YOU", "Missing you Always", "You are always in my heart".
Now, don't get me wrong, the emails detailing what sex acts they would like to perform on each other were VERY disturbing. But "I love YOU". I thought that was suppose to be reserved for your spouse. (btw, she is married too) And he says they are "JUST FRIENDS" Now, they have not had a physical relationship RECENTLY. I say this because, apparently, once upon a time they did. (before me). HE lied about that. In January he said they were never in a "relationship", I didn't specifically ask if they had SEX. Silly me. And apparently these emails were not "talking", so it should have been ok. UM NO. I am hurt, I am angry, I am so full of emotion, I am shaking. I confronted him (on the phone, he is out of town), he didn't deny it. First it was "we have always just talked that way, didn't see that it was wrong". UM, WHAT???? So explaining how you would "bend them over and rock them hard" is ok? (this was a TAME reference btw) Ok, maybe when you were single it was ok to carry on like this, but you are married now, and have been for a few years. These emails are RECENT. He has apologized. He is upset that I, found out or that he really hurt me, I am not sure. He says he wants me, not her. I emailed her too. Told her she needs to leave my husband alone and I bet her husband wouldn't be too much of a fan if he found out what she was saying to my husband. She apologized too, but I don't know.

Ok, sorry only goes so far, and I am having a HARD time reconsiling all this. Am I overreacting? They were just emails, there were no physical meetings as far as I know. But wouldn't the personal nature of the emails still imply INTENT. And shouldn't those things be sacred in a marriage? Even with "friends", I have NEVER talked that way. I wouldn't dream of talking that way. It would be one thing if this "friendship" was, oh hi, how are you doing... blah blah blah. No problem there, but talking about sexual positions they would like, toys they would like to use, and the "I love you's". Seriously, does he think I am STUPID???? Don't insult me and say
you are "just friends who always talked this way".

I am not perfect by any means. I have screwed up my past marriages. But, again, am I overreacting because it was only phone or email driven? Would you still consider it cheating? Would you still feel betrayed? I know I do, and it hurts so much. I can't seem to find a way, right now, to forgive and forget. I am seriously hurt.

Seriously.

Hurt.

In the process of loss

I am crying as I write this, so please, exuse any typo's or run on sentences.

The last few days have been nightmarish. My aunt Peg, who we thought was beating cancer, has
now been given a few days to a few weeks to live. I talked to her on the phone, just over a week
ago, and she was fine. She was doing radiation. She was upbeat, feeling sure she was beating the cancer. She was laughing and joking.

Then, I get a call Wednesday night. Peg isn't doing so well, they have had to take her into the hospital. Maybe it's dehydration. She has had these issues before. Well my other aunt, the one who called me lives in another state and was wanting me to find out more. She wasn't sure of the details. It was too late to call any one that night, so on Thursday morning I called Peg's cell phone. Her older son answers. The news isn't good. Yes, she is in the hospital. No, it doesn't look good. The dr on call gave the grim news of imminent death.

I rush to the hospital. Cursing that it will take 1 1/2 hrs to get there. I run in and she is lying
on the bed. She is without hair. She is listless. She looks at me, but only with a glazed stare. She trys to speak and all it is is mubmling that you can't understand. She fades in and out of sleep. She fades in and out of knowing what is going on around her. I am heartbroken.

I continued to visit her daily thru the weekend. My uncle had hopes that this severe reaction was due to dehydration and that a few days in the hospital will help her. By now, we have no choice but to accept the reality. She is not dehydrated. Her cancer has been progressing and it is killing her. She is losing touch with reality.

I had kept her 10 yr old son with me thru the weekend. Hoping that amongst this that he might get a little break from the hospital. He acted like a kid at my house, and when we went back to the hospital it was like he was in denial of what was happening. My heart is breaking for him.

Right now the word is that she will remain in the hospital until her regular dr (he was on vacation during all of this) gets back on Monday or Tuesday. This will be when they decide if she will stay in the hospital or go home with hospice. To see if there is anything more we can do to preserve or giver her back her quality of life. I am sure the only thing they can do is to keep her comfortable.

I am so angry. I am so sad. I am so full of emotion that I don't know how to express it. I was raised as a sister with Peg (my mom died at an early age and my grandparents took custody). She is only 12yrs older than I. I was her birthday present. (Our birthdays are 4 days apart and my mom jokingly gave me to her as a gift) We look alike. She is the fun, party aunt. She is my confidant. When I was going thru my divorce, she took me and the kids in and helped me thru it.
She has been a rock of friendship and love in my life. How can I let her go now?

I feel so guilty also. She was wild, she drank too much and she did very reckless things with her life. I had gotten to the point that I was embarressed by her actions. Now, all I wish is that I could have her back. Bad traits and all. I want her whole, I want her back. I want her here.

I know it is futile to hope for this. My head tells me that I must wish for her to go so that she can be out of pain. I don't want her in pain. But, God, I am going to miss her so much.

Anybody who prays, please put her in yours. She is leaving behind 3 good kids (2 are adults now) and a whole family of sisters, brothers, mother, neices, nephews, great neices and great nephews, and a grandchild that adore her.

Do, Docs and Doors....

Ok, so I haven't posted in awhile. So much has been going on. I know, lame excuse, but heres the scoop.

I did get my new hairdo.. and I mostly like it. I think I didn't have it cut enough, so I might be going back for more cutting, but I LOVE the highlights. Seems like a waste that I now have to pay another $35 to have it cut, but I guess, that's the way it goes.

Oldest boy went to the PDoc (aka Shrink) to make sure he isn't bipolar or whatever. He isn't. She feels it is puberty and unresolved anger against his birth father who has been a DIPSHIT and has avoided them since December of last year. He never was consistant about his calls or visits, but it seems he has decided to cut all ties whatsoever since December. Logan is mad, but feels guilty for being mad and takes it out on us. I didn't like the PDoc because during this assessment, she did NOT ask about family history. Um, think that is important. And she YAWNED the whole way thru the interview. Seriously, are we that boring???

Anyhoo.... my hubby and I have been fighting the majority of the week. Long story short we are buying our house. (we have lived in it for 5 yrs now) Ever want to test your marriage, this was the way to do it. His parents are involved in this mess, and it irritates me to no end. I thought by us buying the house that we could eliminate their involvement. I WAS SO WRONG. Anyway, longer story shorter, we have made up, but I am still irritated and we have another hurdle to overcome before the house (and higher payments- we are trying to get more than is owed to do some needed renovations) are officially ours.

So, fastforward to today and here is the new fun topic. Doors. We have had this sliding glass door in our dining room that we have wanted to replace. So a few weeks ago, we went and bought a new one. Today was door day. They ripped the old door out, destroying it in the process (remember this part, it was important). They (hubby and his parents) get the new
door and frame out of the garage and start working on putting it together. They get the frame
built and try to install it in the HOLE in our wall. It doesn't fit. It is TOO TALL. Yes, too tall, and they do not make them any shorter. Great. What now? Can't put the old door back in because they DESTROYED it. (see told you it was important) Ok, now what? We have a gaping hole in our wall and NO DOOR. Also, the frame they built, the one that is too tall, we can't take back because they already built it. So, we can't even get all our money back for the door that is too big. Now, hubby and FIL have gone back to Home Depot (yeah, they say you can do it yourself, but I have may doubts about that) to return what we can of the door and to get something to board up the gaping HOLE in my wall. Eventually the plan, or so I am told, is to put a regular door there and a wall. For right now though, it will just be boarded with OSB or some crap like that.

Oh, did I forget to mention that we have a house appraiser coming next week for our loan. We have to get and appraised value of 25% over what we are asking for on the loan. I bet he is going to LOVE my gaping hole in the wall (temporarily fixed with plywood and insulation) . Should make for an interesting appraisal of my house.

I am really trying to laugh this off. Hubby is trying to fix his MEGA mistake. I won't rub it in too much... :-)

Singing the blues....

Well, I watched The View today to see what they had to say about depression. I was interested, but I didn't learn anything new. I have been struggling with my depression alot lately. I am functioning, but barely. I am exhausted all the time and mostly in a blah mood. I am also very impatient and "short" with people. I blow up easily. I am trying little things to get me motivated and in a better mood. Like I am going to get my hair done tomorrow. But with that, comes anxiety. I have never paid so much to have a highlight and cut ($80 geez). So, I am wondering if it will be worth it. Or if I will be worth it. I have splurged on a new pair of sandals (also high priced, $45 geez) and have decided to give myself a pedicure. I am hoping this downward swing is due to the fact that I am ,like 89% of women now, letting myself go. I totally let myself go. 5 years ago I wouldn't have dreamed of going out of the house without makeup or perfectly made up. Now, I throw on some exercise pants or sweats and nearly 100% of the time have my hair in a clip or pony tail. Why do I have long hair, if all I am going to do is put it up? And I almost NEVER wear makeup anymore. I don't think I own anything other than mascara now and it is nearly dried up (I am sure).

I have been trying to do some soul searching and I am not coming up with any new answers. I am still taking my medication (max on Wellbutrin and 50 mg of seroquel) and I am functioning, but not thriving. I don't want to go and change my medicine again because I feel I tolerate this combo well. I don't have terrible side effects or weight gain. I really feel that this is the right combo, but something in my head is still bringing me down. I am not manic hardly ever anymore. And I love that the seroquel puts me to sleep at night becuase that is my hardest thing to do, sleep. I want to sleep, but it doesn't come easily to me.

Anyway, I guess the real reason for this post is to confess that I am "singing the blues" but that I am trying to get out of it. I don't really know if I am going about it the right way, but it is an effort just the same. The only thing helpful on The View was that it seemed that most of the people fighting depression (or bipolar like me) did yoga. Now, I use to LOVE doing yoga. But that was when my body wasn't betraying me (extra weight, age). Now, I feel like a failure when I do it. I would sooooo love to start doing it again, and maybe this should be my incentive to start again. If Rosie O'Donnel can do it, I can too! So, anyone out there that has recently pulled themselves up and wants to share advise, I am all ears! You would think since I have been dealing with this since I was a child, I would have conquered this by now, but sadly I haven't.

Commit me now.....

If you are here for the party, HERE is my original post.

Now for the real scoop. How insane was I today? I would say the most insane I have been in sometime. What on EARTH would posess me to take the 5 (heathens) kiddo's to have their hair cut. Now, this in itself is crazy, but add in the fact that I have the stomache flu and was up half the night sick. Yes, you can sign the commitment papers now.

Now, this wasn't just some random act. I did have a plan. First, the plan was to take darling Kaity to dance class. I HAD to do this. So, during dance class I thought I would get my oldest's hair cut. I would only have him and the youngest with me. Two hyper boys would stay with mother in law. Seemed like a doable plan, not too hard. Now, before leaving for dance class, mother in law says she can't take the 2 boys she "must" go and return a computer. Great, lovely timing. So, oldest boy knows he was to get his hair cut today (1st hyper boy Tyler was going to get it cut tomorrow) so I couldn't cancel. Now, I would just get the two oldest boy's cut at the same time. So, I drop Kaity off and dance class and go to the salon. We have to wait, and wait, and wait. Ok, I ONLY have 45 minutes to do this. Well, 40 minutes have passed now and I have to tell them to forget it. No, they tell me, they will "hold my spot" until I get back and they will "work us in". Great, so my 40 minutes of waiting is not in vain. So, I heard the 4 back into the van, race to get Kaity from dance and then turnaround and go back to the salon, get all 5 out and head in. Now, Kaleb is getting anxious, he wants the McDonalds that was promised earlier and is not very patient to begin with. So, after only 10 more minutes of waiting, they call Logan in to ge the hair cut. Things are progressing nicely. In the midst, I am constantly in my verbal war with kids "Kaleb no" "Tyler stop" "Becca come back here" "Kaleb NO" "Tyler, pleeaaassseeee" "Becca come back HERE". You get the point. So, Logan is finally done, and he looks very nice I might say. Tyler goes next. The poor hairstylist couldn't keep his head still. Now, he is 10, so this should not have been a hard feat. He ended up looking nice too. But, the poor boy needed a haircut so bad, he was looking like a Monchichi. So, she finishes, and I say what the heck, let's get Kaity's hair cut too. We have been in the salon for almost 2 hours now (total not the second time) and she deserves it too. Thankfully, hers went quickly.

Now, you would think this would be the END of the story. Oh you are so wrong. So, while I am trying to pay, and laugh at all the "Oh my they are all YOURS" jokes, Kaleb jumps up and down and cries that he needs to pee. Ok, Logan, go and take your brother potty. Ok, problem handled. WRONG. Kids come running back to me "Kaleb ran into the ladies room and won't come out". Yes, the older boys keep popping their heads into the FULL ladies room to try to get Kaleb out. (Do you have the commitment papers yet?) So, I finish paying, blushing the entire way and go on my quest to get Kaleb out of the women's bathroom. Yes, that was a scene. He didn't want to leave. I had a screaming 4 yr old all the way to the van.

Ahhh, is it over yet? Well, it is almost bed time, so that is good. And as Scarlett says "tomorrow is another day" (and yes, I am saying it in my best southern drawl) But, is that a good thing?

Now, I would have POSTED a picture of the kids with the haircuts, but they didn't cooperate. BIG SURPRISE, I know.

Now, I have to go to bed, too much partying I guess, because my tummy hurts *snif*

Party Time!!

Ok, I am fashionably late to the party, but here goes! The Ultimate Blog Party is on!

I am Missi and I am a work at home mom to 5 rugrats. Yes, you heard me 5. (and yes, I do know where they come from, I just happen to be good at it!) My hubby is away most of the week so I am here in the nuthouse alone with the kiddo's most of the time. I work online for a GREAT birth announcement /Invitation company, Pea Pod Announcements. My best friend is owner and designer and you have got to stop by to see her work! Go on, I will wait.......

So, pull up a chair, grab a drink and get your party hat on. Toga anyone??

Any questions, shoot! I am in a talking mood and I think I might be inclined to share a secret or two with the right incentive!

Terrible 4's?????

He looks innocent enough, doesn't he?? Yeah, he has been a HOLY TERROR lately. Seriously, my beautiful auburn hair is turning gray! I have aged 10 years in the last few days. I am not kidding..... I have one foot in the grave RIGHT NOW.

You ask, how can this angelic child be a demon? Well, lets see. Here are a FEW things he has done lately:

He has learned how to unlock the fridge door. Then he has decided he is old enough to pour his own juice. The floor didn't agree.

He thinks it is funny to push his sister into the food cabinet and close her in.

The second I turn my back he has thrown every toy out of his toybox and makes it "rain".

He has snuck under a table with a 1/2 of a 2 liter of sprite and finished it off. He then decides to get the caffine out of his body by jumping furiously on the bed.

He climbed up the counter to get the sissors. He then tried to give his sister a haircut. (this I must say, scared me the MOST- all our knives and sissors are no longer in the carosel on the counter. They are locked in the dishes cabinet)

He finds it hilarious to try to rip my shirt up in public.

He has found new "colorful" words to describe various things that make him mad. (thanks grandma)

When I am dropping him off at school, he finds it funny to run to the front seat and try to
"drive" when I am trying to get him OUT of the van.

SO, this is just in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted! Is it just the age? Because I am telling ya, my oldest was calm. My second oldest is hyper (ADHD), but I swear he wasn't this riled up!. My third oldest was also calm. Here is number 4 and he is really giving me a run for my money! What do I have to look forward to with number 5??? Will I survive Kaleb to see Becca at 4??

Please tell me when he turns 5 in May that he will grow out of it.

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!

Helpful...... or nosey???

I have waited a couple of days to write about this because this subject is really unnerving me. My mother in law has taken out a life insurance policy on my husband, a large one. He had her husband tell my husband (his stepfather) that it is because we want "Missi taken care of in the event...".

Ok, on the surface this can look like a nice gesture. However, my mother in law and I HATE each other. This woman has threatened to kill me. Yes, really. She goes out of her way to make my life miserable. She plays favorites with my children and deliberately goes behind my back to undermine me. Ok, the death threat came a few years ago. Since then, we have not "patched" our relationship. I am civil to her, but I also avoid her at all costs. OK, she lives next door (country next door, you know, I can see her house, but I wouldn't walk there). She is only here every other month and we get together maybe once in that month. I have alot of resentment still against her and I can't quite get over it.

Now, in this situation, would you look at this as a gift? Because here is how I have taken it. First, I am not the beneficiary, she is. That right there puts me off. It is not that I want this money, it is that she could have control over my life in the event of. I am not a fan of anyone's control over me, much less a person I dont' like. And the statement "we want Missi taken care of" really gets me. She doesn't like me, why should she want to take care of me? It would be good if it were in trust for the kids, but there goes another problem. She favor's ONE child out of the 5. If it were up to her, he is the only one she would see. We force her to "try" and show that she is the grandparent of all of them. So my fear, "in the event of", there would be great discrimination amongst my children. Also, I have the fear that "in the event of" she will use the money to fight me for custody of the one child. He is not my birth child, so she feels she is the "mother" figure to him, regardless of my role here. She initiated taking him away from his birth mother, why wouldn't she do the same to me?

So, this is the situation. I am upset. Should I be? I don't know. I have tried looking at it from both sides, but my resentments and my fears are overpowering. I am a very cynical person by nature (well, more so because I was turned this way by life) so I could be blowing this out of porportion.

The only other question I have is, Hubby's stepfather has 2 other grown children. Did they put life insurance on them so that their wives could be "taken care of?" The answer is no. The reason?... Your guess is as good as mine.

Oh, I should also mention that we already have life insurance set up. We took care of this a few years ago and she is well aware of the fact that we already have life insurance.