SOS part 2

So, things with Logan have been ok lately. There have been a few minor outbursts, but nothing really abnormal. Today was a different story. Tonight is dance class night for Kaity and we will either a) sit in the van for the 45 minutes or b) go to Walmart or a store. Ok, today I was contemplating going to Walmart with the remaining 4 kids. This is not a fun chore. This is adventure is even worse when one or more have "attitudes". When I mentioned going to Logan, he immediatly went into a tirade about wanting to go to Blockbuster. I calmly said I wasn't going to blockbuster today (trips to blockbuster with Kaleb are nightmarish. He runs away from me, runs up and down the isles and I am constantly trying to catch him, hold him and whisper yelling "stop it, no, stand here, wait a second, please stop!". So, I avoid blockbuster when I am alone with the kids) and that I can go tomorrow during school if he lets me know what he wants. This set off an "attitude". He was sullen and argumentative all the way to dance class. It was then and there I decided that I wasn't going to Walmart today (now mind you, I was going for a few work related items, not to buy them anything). He immediatly yells at me and calls me a liar. Ok, so I explain to him why I don't want to go and that is that. Oh, was I so wrong. This led into "everything is because of me, you hate me, you got divorced because of me". WTF? Where the hell did that come from? I have had numerous conversations with him about the divorce from his father and it was made quite clear that it was not their fault, it was just because he and I couldn't get along. Now, also realize, I have been divorced from this man for over 6 years. So, now, as I am trying to reassure him that he is not the reason, he just keeps muttering that it is his fault. He won't listen to reason. He is again sullen and arguementative. So, the other kids are in the van playing and I decide just to ignore Logan's mood because a) it isn't doing me any good to try and reason with him and b) I kinda feel like he is manipulating me. So, then Tyler accidentally bumps his elbow, because in the front seat chair, Logan is hanging on the side. I ask him to lean the other way so that there is room for everyone else and he starts in saying "well it is a free country and I can get out instead of staying here". I advise him not to do it, but he gets out and slams the door. He walks across the parking lot and enters the building where the dance studio is. I know he is waiting for me to come and get him. I didn't. I know he is safe because he is in the building, but I was still wondering how far was he going to go with this. Was he going to go out another door and try to run up the roads in town? Was he going to sit there all night until I came in to get him? What was he planning? Tyler is talking my ear off telling me that he is in big trouble. The other two are playing well enough and I am lost in my thoughts and fuming as well. So, I keep a watch on the building to make sure he doesn't try to make a run for it and I hear Tyler telling me the "story" of what Logan said happenend another time. Which was true, a few weeks ago he did run outside in his underwear and try to run away from home. Tyler was in shock, he thought Logan was lying (Tyler and Kaity were at their grandparents that night). I said no, he did it and dad went after him. He said oh, and Logan said you were sitting at the computer crying. Yes, I said, I was. Now, since they weren't there, and Ray and I haven't talked about it openly with the kids, was Logan bragging about it? This made me wonder, again, if I wasn't being manipulated. We have already seen the regular dr and he said it could be a) hormones b) a mood disorder or c) just him acting out. So we have a pdoc appt later in the month of February. Now, mind you, Logan has already said a) that he won't go or b) if he does go, he won't talk because this will just make him madder.

Finally, the dance class is over and Logan has been in the building now for 25 minutes. They both come out to the van. He gets in. I decide to remain very calm. I wasn't going to blow my top. I asked him, did he think about the consequences of his action? He said yea, he did, but he didn't care, he knew he would be in big trouble. So, some more silence and I go to order dinner. He says he isn't eating because "he didn't deserve it". I ordered him food anyway and about 15 minutes later, he reluctantly eats it. About 1/2 way home, he does apologize (without any promting from me) and I thank him. I asked him to please reconsider this method of acting out again, as it really does upset me. I advise him that I am grounding him from tv and he has to go bed early because of this act tonight. He says ok. I advised him that if he gave me grief about his punishment tonight, that his grounding would go on past today.

Now, I still feel like a failure. I don't know what instinct right now to trust. I am scared out of my mind. He is only 11, what happens when he really turns into a teenager? Could he have my mood disorder or is he just angry at the world right now? Could he not have gotten over the divorce or is he just mad because his dad hasn't called in over a month? I am so torn. I don't know what to do. I feel that anything I try to do is going to be wrong. I am so afraid of him taking this further and really running away. But what if he is just manipulating me and using my fears and guilt against me? What then? I can't stop being afraid of what he might do and I can't stop feeling guilty over things that have happened. Oh, I just don't know what to do. I just pray that I can get thru to him.

Eye Candy

Matchbox Twenty-Unwell

My theme song. But also, I could just stare at Rob Thomas all day. He is just so hot! LOL

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and then you'll see a different side of me.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough your gonna think of me and how I use to be.... ME.

Aren't we all a bit crazy sometimes?

Song of the Week

Val Kilmer: Bowling For Soup

Haven't you ever felt like your life was a movie? Sure you have, I know I have. What movie would your life be?

EEEEEKKKK!

Imagine, if you will, a bathroom. A cold and lightly lit room. You sit down to (you know the drill here, no need for imagination, thank you) and you feel a BANG on the back of your heel. You look down and there is a GRAY MOUSE running away from your foot. OMG, can I say that again, OMG. The horror!!! Screaming starts and does not stop while you are trying to get your feet off of the ground. EEEEWWWWW. Now, this happened this morning. Imagine if you will the same bathroom a week ago. I was giving my kids a bath and while they were happily playing in the water, I am sitting down on the floor reading a book. All of a sudden the mouse runs from across the bathroom to go UP MY PANT LEG. Yes, yelling and jumping around commenced until the filthy rodent exited my pants and scurried away.

We have mouse poison out, we have mouse traps set with peanut butter. This DAMN MOUSE eats the peanut butter and doesn't set off the trap and he avoids the poison. Why does this mouse insist on torturing me? Why won't he leave, or better yet, end his time on earth? Why did Ray move me to this BFE house, surrounded by trees and animals, so that filthy little rodents like the one we have now, enter my house and decide to stay?

We are going to have a war. Either the mouse or I will win. I am on a mission. But, for the time being, I think I will avoid my bathroom (bladder be damned) and I will strategically place chairs throught my house so that I can avoid the floor.

Blah

It is just a very blah day for me. Actually yesterday was too. These new meds the dr put me on really make me tired. The diabetic one (metaformin) makes my ears ring and my lips tingle and I am not sure which one is giving me serious dry mouth! But the seroquel is seriously making me tired. I am like a walking zombie all day. I am not sure this is an improvement. LOL My kids are liking it though, they get to get away with everything. They have trashed the house like a tornado hit it and I am just not in the mood to yell about it. LOL So, as far as the kids are concerned, I should stay this way for awhile. LOL

Anybody have any experience with these meds? I sure hope my body adjusts to these things soon, I would like to act a little more human. LOL

Dr Day

Well, today was Dr day for Logan. (I had an appt too, but I wasn't concerned with mine) Dr did advise we should watch his mood signs, but that he also wanted us to confer with a shrink becuase of my history. It could be just prebubescent hormones and the fact that he is SPOILED, (lol) but it also could be trouble with bipolar. I am very scared for the latter. I don't want Logan to go thru what I have gone thru with this. I know if I had been diagnosed earlier than I was, maybe I could have avoided a lot, but maybe not. I don't like the fact that I am constantly in the dr getting my med coctail adjusted. I don't like the fact that I can't trust my own emotions. I don't like the fact that there will forever be a stigma attached to me because I have a "mood disorder". I don't want that for my kids. I can only hope against hope that it is just hormones. Logan also has the difficulty of a "in and out" birth dad. Hubby is raising him, but Logan idolizes his birth father. But he only calls a few times a year, makes empty promises and basically avoids being a father- until it suites him. Logan has serious anger issues with that I am sure. I would and even being just the ex, I do. I HATE what he does but because of a "court order" he has the right to do it. He pays his child support, so he is "involved". Maybe talking to someone other than me will help Logan. I know he is very conflicted about it.

So, the appointment went rather well. Mine did too. He changed my med again. I am now on Seroquil with Wellbutrin and then for the PCOS he rx'd Metaformin. It is suppose to help with the pain and all. Who knows, hopefully it will work.

Kaleb'isms

1) Look mom, I'm a chicken - This is as we are trying to get out of the van to go to
school. He threw his cereal onto the van floor and bent over and tried to eat it with his mouth, pecking like a chicken.

2) HA HA HA, I bomb farted- No explanation needed

3) Aw, I am coughing so hard my brains are coming out, see!- This was when he was going to bed and making himself cough so he wouldn't have to stay in bed. I never did see his brains coming out though.....

4) No, the pee pee is going up! -This is the usual reply when I ask if he has to go potty and he doesn't want to go.

5) No kiss, I'm big now - This was to inform me that I am not allowed to give him a kiss when dropping him off at school now. Apparently 4 year olds don't approve of this anymore *sob*

6) Your not here now! -Apparently this is his way of telling me I am bugging him too much and he is ignoring me.

7) Ice Ice now! -This is the request in the car for him to hear Ice Ice Baby from Vanilla Ice. I do not own the cd so playing on demand is impossible. Somehow he feels I can control the xm and make it play what he wants when he wants it.

There are so many more of these, I should really write them all down so that I can show it to his future girlfriends! The picture above is one Kaleb took of himself when he stole my camera from it's bag and decided to play photographer.

Song of the week

Billy Joel - Pressure

Song pick of the week. I love Billy Joel and this song this week just seemed so perfect. LOL

Don't ask for help you're all alone
PRESSURE
You'll have to answer to your own
PRESSURE
I'm sure you have some cosmic rationalle
But here you are in the ninth,
2 men out and 3 men on
Nowhere to look
But inside where we all respond
to PRESSURE.

Moms HELP- SOS

SOS- Save our Son!! Oh, I am in desperate need of some guidance. Last night my 11 yr old, Logan, decided to throw the mother of all fits. It was just after 11pm and I went to tell him it was time for bed. He threw a fit. I told him sternly to stay in bed. A few minutes later he was at our door, and Ray then said to go to bed. Logan went BALLSITIC. He started screaming at the top of his lungs in a growl, he started hitting and pinching himself. He was uncontrollable. The more we tried to reason with him, the worse he got until I felt there was nothing left to do but take something away. I decided the thing near and dear to him at the moment was his TIVO card. He fought me the whole time I was trying to get it out. I had to keep pushing him off of me. Then after I was successful with the card and was trying to tell him he wouldn't get it back until he calmed down, he got worse. I closed his door, he kicked the door thru and broke the door frame. Then he said he was going to run away and was trying to get the screen out of his window. I kept telling him to stop and closing the window but as soon as I would move away from it, he would be doing it again because "he would rather run away than be here with me because he hates me forever". OMG. I didn't know what else to do. Finally after about 40 minutes of this I got him into the living room where Ray was trying to talk to him. Ray's solution, fine, walk out the door. Logan in underwear and no shoes, says "fine" and walks out. Ray follows him. I just sat there crying. I am scared out of my mind. I feel helpless. Ray did get him to come back in after about 20 minutes and he did apologize, but I am still fearful. Why throw this kind of fit? He has come close to this kind of fit before, but it never went this far. I dont' know what to do. I don't know if it is the age or if it might be the beginning signs of bipolar. I am terrified.
Please, Please, Please, anyone with advise please help.

A-Z of me- a meme

I did this because of Prissy Miss

A to Z of Me!

A. Available or Single? Married.
B. Best friend? Heather
C. Cake or pie? oh, the agony... pie
D. Drink of choice? Diet coke (which I have denied myself lately)
E. Essential item? Cell phone/computer.
F. Favorite color? Lavender
G. Gummi bears or worms? Bears,ew to worms.
H. Hometown? hmm, hard one, I have one in TX, one in IL and one in TN- take your pick.
I. Indulgence? satellite programming (tv and computer) and tivo
J. January or February? February.
K. Kids and names? oh my, Logan 11, Tyler (almost)10, Kaity 8, Kaleb 4, Becca 1 1/2
L. Life incomplete without? My family.
M. Marriage date? June 2002
N. Number of Siblings? 2 sisters
O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. (except for when I was pg and then it was oranges)
P. Phobias/fears? holy cow, really name them? insects, heights ( I can't even breathe going over bridges), reptiles, car accidents, anything that can possibly happen to anyone I love... let us just say I have an anxiety disorder and leave it at that....
Q. Favorite Quotation? Staying sane inside insanity - Rocky Horror Picture Show
R. Reason to smile? My Family!
S. Season? Spring- feels like rebirth
T. Tag three people: Don't hate me- Denise, Kat and Mamabee
U. Unknown fact about me: I have been married 3 times and I am bipolar
V. Vegetable you hate: Lima Beans and Brussel Sprouts. EWWWW and cowbrains(cauliflower)
W. Worst habit? avoidance and internalizing everything
X. X-rays I’ve had: Dental, ribs after a car accident, and more but I don't remember why now
Y. Your favorite food? Italian. ooohh, Olive Garden here I come this weekend!!
Z. Zodiac? Virgo, because I am perfect you know.

Ok, I did tag 3. Denise (mental excrements), Kat (no diet coke for mommy) and Mama Bee(the beehive)- Don't hate me!

Many faces of me

One side mom
One side wife
One side sister
One side friend
One side bipolar
One side sane
All sides different but
all sides hide the same. What face will
I wear today? What face
will hide in shame?

Art and Life

Bowling for Soup - High School Never Ends

I LOVE this band! Bowling for Soup is just so funny!

I thought I would share a favorite of mine because the lyrics to this song is SOOOOO true!!

High School Never Ends

4 years you think for sure, thats all you've got to endure.
All the total.. all the stuck up chicks, so superficial so immature
Then when you graduate, you take a look around and you say "hey wait"
This is the same from where I just came from I thought it was over,
well thats just great!

The whole damn world is just as obsessed with who's the best dressed
and who's having sex, who's got the money, who gets the money, who
gets the honey, who's kinda cute and who's just a mess.

You still don't have the right look and you don't have the right friends.
Nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends.... High School
Never Ends........

Reese Witherspoon is the prom queen, Bill Gates captain of the chess team,
Jack Black the clown, Brad Pitt the quarterback. I've seen it all before,
I want my money back!!!......

Do you see the art imitating life here? This song is just so true!!! LOL I still
feel the same feelings as I did in high school about not being good enough or
popular enough. It is amazing that when you are in high school you are sure
it will end one day and then you get into the "real" world and you realize NOTHING
has changed..

Leaves for dinner

Does this look appetizing to you? This is what I have been reduced to. I am eating leaves and mush. LOL Just kidding. It is a salad and fish. I guess really, it doesn't taste too bad, I am just having a hard time getting over the look of the salad. It looks like leaves. As long as it works, right? That is all that matters. Occasionally I do get to substitute the fish for chicken or tuna. Talk about variety!!! I am such a boring eater, that when dieting, I find I have to eat the same thing day after day after day. I hate so many foods that it is a wonder how I got fat.

So, since the 1st, I have lost almost 15lbs!!! YAY. I still don't see a change, but I am hoping I will soon. Along with my leaves and mush, I am drinking gallons of water a day. I do sometimes feel like I will float away, but again, if it works..... I am also using a diet suppliment, Slimquick, that is geared for women. I guess it is helping. I really don't have an appetite and it does give me some energy. So, we will see...

Only other news to report is that hubby has taken a CLUE! He has started helping around the house. I couldn't be happier! (I just hope it lasts! LOL)

Some News

Well, my blood tests came back. I have PCOS. (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). My
tests came back that my testosterone were very high. And after looking at the
PCOS website, I found MANY symptoms that I have had for years. Now, things
are really making sense. So, treatment is the birth control pills for now. If after a month
I don't see some improvement in some areas (weight loss, pain) then they will put me on
some diabetes medicine. There is no cure for PCOS, just things to do to minimize the
effects from it. I am not glad that I have it, but I am glad to know that all these things
I have been complaining about (pain,weight gain even though I am dieting, high blood pressure,
high cholesterol, and many more from that list) are not illusions of my mind.

The only thing that really is ironic is that I had my TUBES TIED after I had Becca and NOW
I have to take birth control pills. I just can't help but laugh.

I have stuck to my "diet" all this week (so far). I am anxious to see if I have lost any weight, but
I do feel better about myself that I have had very good self control. I have exercised too this week, not enough, but it has been a concentrated effort.

Fun day with a capital F(blank blank blank )!

Did you get my sarcasim there? LOL Ok, it wasn't that bad, but I wouldn't claim it to be fun. Today was full of running around. I had to take Kaleb to school, and then pick him up at 11. We went to Franklin to go to my OB/GYN. Yup, it is that time of year (HELL NO I AM NOT PREGNANT), the annual invasion! UGH, I kept rescheduling, but they finally yelled at me to come in. So, I went, with Kaleb AND Becca. I thought for sure I would be yelling at Kaleb to stay away from my hoo hoo and Becca sitting on my stomache while Dr was invading me. I was pleasantly surprised that they stayed in a chair beside me most of the time ( I did have to tell Kaleb to stay away once, I probably have scarred this boy for life). Well, Dr gave me lots of options for the endometriosis, none of which were particuarly helpful. Most resonable treatments were for the bleeding only, not the cramping. My biggest problem is the cramping. I cramp (really, really bad ones) for 2 weeks straight. So, I am too young for a hysterectomy and the others aren't really solutions (one was burning my uterus lining). The ONLY option left. Birth control pills. DAMN, why did I have my tubes tied? I tried BC over a year ago, but they just screwed up my body more. This one is called YAZ. I hope to hell it works better this time. She is also testing me for a hormone disorder since I can't seem to lose weight and things like that.

Well, it is National De Lurking week!! Come on, you can comment, I won't bite....... hard.

Jump Start!!!

There is nothing like the flu to jumpstart a diet!!! Due to my illness, I had lost 5lbs. That was enough motivation for me!! Since then, I have restricted my calories, added water and cut out junk food (omg, did I really? yes, I bought NO ice cream this week) and (GULP) I stopped drinking diet coke and I have lost an additional 5lbs. I am *trying* to add exercise into this mix. That is my hardest task. I have many excuses for not doing it, but I am going to do my hardest to get it fit in. I have started moving more during the day, and I know that helps, but I want REAL results.
I have gained so much weight having these kids that I am at serious risk for a heart attack or stroke. I am only 33 years old!! That scares me to death. I also have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. These 2 factors with being overweight really put my ticker to the test.

So, here I am, professing my FIRST goal. I want to be reasonable and realistic. If I say
I want to lose 100lbs by such and such date, I am SURE I will fail. That task is just to
overwhelming (atleast to me). So, my FIRST goal is to lose about 35lbs before I go to
Florida in the end of March. (and no, the 10 I have alreay lost, does NOT count LOL)
I am going to give it everything I can this time, I am tired of failing.

So, any success stories or words of encouragement will be GREATLY appreciated!

And THANK YOU to all of you that gave me ideas on how to fix my laundry
situation. I did make a dent in it this weekend and it looks like all this week I will
be working on it too. My next project is to go thru the kids rooms (with them) and
itemize what clothes they REALLY want and need. Apparently they have too
many clothes for their own good and maybe they don't need as much.

Mom on strike!!

MOM IS ON STRIKE!!!!!

Believe it or not this is NOT months worth of laundry accumulated. This is the matter of just over a week. I have been sick and have not been able to do anything for the last week. I know I have 5 growing kids, but really, do you THINK they wore this many clothes in a week???

This is the ongoing problem of kids who, when cleaning their rooms, decide to throw any and all clothes they can find into the laundry area.

I would stake my life that 75% of this is from clothes that have been thrown out of drawer while looking for something to wear and from past clean clothes that were left on the dresser, knocked onto the floor and instead of being put away, they got put in the laundry area.

This is an ongoing problem in my house. I have no ideas on how to fix this. Any imput would be greatly appreciated. In the past, I have given them the responsibility to fold and put their own clothes away. This is a practice I still use. I thought it would teach them about how much work it took to finish their laundry. They aren't getting it, obviously. One of the gulity kids has been caught red handed doing this (ie clue when his FOLDED clothes were ending up in the laundry) and a punishment was to put ALL the clean clothes from his basket on his body to wear for a set amount of time while at home. He found it funny that he had on 6 shirts, 4 pairs of pants and 3 pairs of socks. That punishment didn't work either.

So, any of you out there have this problem? If so, how are you correcting it?

I want to go on strike, but I fear that if I do, the laundry will overtake us and carry us away!!!

Resentment

I am filled with resentment. I don't want to be, but I am and it is towards my husband. Overall, I guess he is an ok husband BUT there is one area that drives me crazy. He won't help around the house unless I pitch a fit. I don't want to pitch a fit each and every time. Does he not realize that I need help when I have let the house go so much? He feels when I ask "him" to help, he has the kids do it and that drives me even more crazy. They are not slave labor. They do need to help, but they don't need to do everything.

So, I have the flu. I am a dead woman walking. The last 2 (today makes 3) days I can't even sit upright without feeling like I am going to pass out. I am running a fever and I am just plain SICK.
He wasn't home for the 1st day of my sickness, so nothing he could do there. But yesterday, he is
home. Did he lift ONE finger to help around the house? NOPE. When he left for work lastnight the house was in more dissaray than when he came home. He did, however, run to the gas station to get me some soup and tea. That he did do. But, when he went to make me soup he made the comment "you are getting the last clean spoon". Did it take me SPELLING IT OUT that he needed to do dishes??? Obviously it did, because he did not even make an ATTEMPT at them. He left them all.

Does he feel that because he works outside of the home that he doesn't have to help. He is always telling me that "he doesn't live here, he just sleeps here". Well I am sorry, but his ass also makes a mess here and correct me if I am wrong, but I thought we were partners in this marriage. Partners as in he would help me in the house and with the kids too!! It is bad enough when he doesn't help when I am well, but when I am the living dead it would be nice to have
some help. I have abstained from sex now for almost 2 months. I have so much resentment built up that I can't have him even touch me. I have TOLD him about this, so it is not just something that is out of the blue. He just refuses to hear me. Well, maybe it is time for another talk because this is how my last marriage failed. I had too much resentment.

I am just beyond frustrated and don't know what else to do.

New Resolutions?

So, why is it every year I make the same resolutions? And it never fails, that I do not complete a one. It is always "lose weight, be more patient, get organized... blah, blah , blah". I don't ever seem to keep a resolution. Why? Am I lazy? Maybe. Am I undisciplined? I guess so. Do I feel that these resolutions are just empty promises since I don't feel I owe myself or hold myself accountable. Probably. So, this year? I make no resolutions. Why should one day a year be filled with the desire to change what you don't like about yourself? Shouldn't everyday be a journey into self discovery and improvement? So, this year, I make no promises because I am just going to live day to day and change or love what I can about myself each and every day for the rest of my life. And if I fail, well I just start over on the next day. Each day will be a new journey to me and there will be no failure because there was no "resolution" made.

2006 was a quick year it seemed. It flew by so fast. I thought it was a first year of freedom from my inlaws, but really it was a relocation to new problems with them. It did get better in the effect that I don't have to see them everyday now, but it is worse now because they feel they can run all over me more.

2006 brought some heartache here at the end. We have discovered that my aunt has lung and liver cancer. She is an alcoholic and chain smoker and she is still doing those things even though she should stop. It infuriates me. She says she wants to kick the cancer and "Live" but to her
living is smoking and drinking. I am there to hold her hand and trying not to judge, but it kills me that she isn't getting the hint. BTW, my grandpa, her dad, also died of lung cancer from smoking.

So, here is to a good 2007! I am making no promises to myself, but I am hoping to enjoy this year and tackle any problems that may come my way.

Happy 2007 to YOU!!!